Are You Bringing Old Baggage Into New Love?

Al, my husband, and I just finished re-watching Alan Downs’ ten-part lecture series on overcoming shame-based trauma, based on The Velvet Rage and Alan's work in the field of recovery.

watch the video series here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_JTAuentxw&list=PLSuPUCSj_JYJnUEChfeHA56tQuR5n2GzW ,

Usually every time I watch it I notice something new. This time I was struck again by how common shame-based trauma is for gay men and how deeply it can shape our relationships and happiness. It’s a quiet force that follows many of us into dating and love, even when we think we have left it behind.

When Old Hurt Shows Up in New Dates

Everyone carries baggage. Sometimes it is a single carry-on stuffed with disappointments. Sometimes it is a full set of trunks, dented and heavy. The trouble is, most of us drag it into the next connection without opening a single zipper.

After a breakup, it can feel urgent to move fast. New profile, new date, new hope. If the hurt is still raw, it travels with you. Maybe you expect rejection before it happens. Maybe you keep your guard high and your heart low. Maybe you pull the ripcord as soon as you feel seen. None of that means you are broken. It means your pain is asking for attention.

The Shadow of Shame-Based Trauma

For many gay men, that pain has roots deeper than any single relationship. Early messages of shame—being told you were wrong for who you are, hiding parts of yourself to stay safe—leave a mark. A parent’s silence, a classmate’s taunt, a faith community’s rejection: these moments can settle in the body as shame-based trauma. They whisper that closeness is risky and love will always require performance. Even years later, those old voices can still say you are unworthy or unlovable.

Naming the Stories You Carry

Recognizing that link between past shame and present patterns is the first step. It is not about digging for every memory. It is about noticing when an outsized reaction belongs to an older wound. Maybe a small disagreement with a date feels like an earthquake. Maybe affection makes you tense instead of relaxed. Those are signals, not character flaws.

Getting Curious Instead of Critical

In Making Love Last I focus on vulnerability and shame because they shape so much of our behavior. These are not only couple issues. They are human issues. Start by noticing the story you tell yourself when things go wrong: I am too much. I am not enough. I always mess it up. Those quiet sentences often write the next chapter of your choices.

Unpacking baggage does not mean reliving every detail. It means getting curious. Where did I learn that closeness is dangerous? Who taught me that asking for reassurance is needy? When did I first decide that love equals performance? Curiosity softens shame. Once shame loosens its grip, new patterns have room to grow.

Support for Healing

Healing shame-based trauma takes patience and help. A therapist who understands LGBTQ experience can guide you in separating old pain from current reality. Trauma-focused therapy, mindfulness practice, or group settings where your story is met with respect can teach the nervous system that it is safe to connect. This is not about erasing the past; it is about reclaiming the present.

Practicing Small Risks

While you work on deeper healing, try small, real-world steps. Share a piece of truth with a trusted friend. Ask for what you want on a date instead of guessing. Set a boundary and keep it. Repair when you miss the mark. These moves sound simple, but they retrain the body to believe intimacy can be safe.

Choosing What to Keep

It also helps to notice the habits that feel comfortable but keep you stuck. Maybe you default to the same type of partner because it feels familiar, even if it never works. Maybe you avoid deeper conversations until you are already halfway out the door. These patterns are signals, not life sentences. The goal is awareness and choice: know what you carry, decide what to keep, and lighten the load where you can.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Give yourself credit for every bit of progress. Naming an old pattern is progress. Pausing before sending that late-night text is progress. Offering a sincere apology is progress. Each small step makes the next one easier.

Everyone shows up with a past. The question is not whether you have baggage but whether you are willing to sort it. You will never be completely “done.” None of us are. But the more you understand your own story, the more room you create for intimacy and joy.

Love Built on Presence

Doing this work now—before you meet someone new—is a gift to yourself and to the next person who walks into your life. You will recognize your triggers faster. You will know how to soothe yourself instead of demanding that someone else do it. You will be able to show up curious instead of guarded.

Healthy love does not require perfection. It does ask for presence. Overcoming shame-based trauma is part of that presence. It is the quiet courage of saying, This happened to me, and it does not define what comes next. The more you clear now, the more space you create for a relationship built on choice rather than fear. That is the heart of Making Love Last: meeting love with open eyes, a lighter load, and the confidence that you can handle whatever comes next.

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Dr Steve May