Communication is often seen as the key to healthy relationships, especially in gay couples therapy. Yet, many couples find that even with the best communication skills, conversations break down or lead to conflict. The missing piece is emotional safety. Without it, communication struggles to be productive or healing. This post explores why emotional safety matters more than communication skills and how it shapes the way couples connect, regulate emotions, and build motivation

When a relationship looks perfect on paper but feels empty inside, it can be confusing and painful. Many gay couples experience this quiet drift apart without clear fights or crises. Instead, emotional flatlining and subtle disengagement take over, leaving partners feeling distant even while living together and sharing a life. This post explores how emotional disconnection happens, why it often goes unnoticed, and what couples can do to reconnect. What Does It Mean to Be “Goo

When you’re in a relationship, it’s natural to want things to work smoothly. But sometimes, even the strongest bonds face challenges. If you and your partner have been feeling stuck or disconnected, you might wonder if therapy could help. For gay male couples, therapy tailored to your unique experiences can be a powerful tool. I want to share with you how couples therapy for LGBTQ+ relationships can bring healing, growth, and deeper connection. Why Couples Therapy for LGBTQ+

Starting a new year offers a fresh chance to nurture your marriage and deepen your connection. For gay married couples, this moment can be especially meaningful as you celebrate your unique bond and shared journey. Setting thoughtful New Year resolutions can help you grow together, face challenges with unity, and bring more joy into your life as a couple. Here are the top 10 resolutions designed to strengthen your love and build a happier marriage. Creating warm moments toget

I am standing with Al in the middle of Covent Garden at 8 oclock at night. Throngs of people, Christmas caroler’s and street performs fill the streets.  The  giant Decorated Christmas Tree has hundreds of multicolored lights which is a spectacle in and of itself. All the buildings around Covent Garden have been adorned with white lights. As we weave through the crowds, I am glad we are away from home for a week. I am reminded how easy it is for this season to pull couples awa

My Husband And I just got back from a city bus tour to see the London Christmas Lights. Luckily the rain held off since we sere sitting on an open the upper deck of an open air bus The city is covered in lights. Shop windows are trying very hard to convince us that everyone else has the perfect family, the perfect tree, the perfect matching pajamas. Al and I looked at each other and laughed, because like most gay men, our holidays have never looked like the commercials. For

How sex apps keep us busy and what actually builds love I am in my office doing last minute work before we jet off to london. It has been interesting that the last client who just left said "what I have heard from so many gay men over the years. “I am on the apps all the time. I get plenty of sex. But I still feel alone.” Then he laughed and said, “Maybe I am just doing Tinder wrong.” My answer, which usually gets me in trouble, is this. You will not find love on an app. Man

Setting the scene I am in Palm Springs, staring at a store aisle at Home Depot that looks like the holidays exploded. Glitter on the floor, plastic reindeer, a woman arguing with her partner about which wrapping paper is more festive. I can almost hear my clients in the background saying what they always say this time of year: “We do not even like half the things we do for the holidays, but we keep doing them anyway.” That is usually the moment I know we are not really talkin

Setting the scene I am starting to pull out all the decorations from their storage place to begin the process of putting up the Christmas tree, decorating it, and starting to plan our annual chocolate making for holiday gifts.  I already have a commitment to make three apple pies for the thanksgiving celebration we are going to with friends next week. And finally we have to get all the Christmas cards signed and mailed. Al and I both love the Holiday Season, it’s time consumi

How gay men turn shame on each other and how to stop it Its my last day in London and the holiday excitement is beginning to set into this beautiful city. Holiday lights are starting to turn on across t own, They say at the holiday time London can be one of the most beautiful cities to visit because of their great lights,holiday displays along with their pop-up Christmas Shops. Its the main reason my husband, Al and I are coming back the first week in December this year. A c

I am back in London this week, tucked beside a fogged window in a Soho café, watching people dodge puddles and armfuls of shopping bags. London in December is a little sentimental and a little chaotic. Lights are strung across narrow streets. A busker is trying out carols that are not quite in tune. I am here on my own this trip. Al and I will be back together next month to see the Christmas lights. That small space between us is not a problem. It is a reminder. The holidays

Touch, aging, and body confidence for gay male couples I am going to be 75 in a few months and Al, my husband, is 81.  The plumbing just doesn’t work the way it did when we were 23 and 29 when we first met. It’s easy for each of us to get caught up when we look in the mirror and think “where did that person go when.”  Hair. Belly. Lines around the eyes. Then I laugh because so many of the men I see in therapy are going through the same thing. We want and need is touch. We jus

I am headed to a gay book fair today and I am excited to share this work with a wider crowd. I know I will get the same question I always hear: “Why should I get this book?” Fair question. It also pokes at a myth that bugs me. I ask someone about their “long term” relationship and they say seven to ten years or less, as if that is the ceiling. That sells us short. Look closer and you will see plenty of gay male relationships that last many years. Among couples who make a clea

A 51-year love story, a practical plan, and zero pressure Last Saturday night I was thinking about the early days of our relationship , I was remembering when we could not keep our hands off each other night and day. That memory is fifty years old. That moment cracked something open. The flame was not gone. It was banked under to-do lists longer than a CVS Receipt. It just needed air. Let us get real. Desire slows for ordinary reasons. Stress. Mismatched libido. The same sc

(from the blog series inspired by   Making Love Last )* Yesterday morning, Al refilled my coffee without saying a word. Two seconds. No music swelled, no cinematic lighting, no deep eye contact. Just a small, quiet act of care. He slid the mug closer, then went back to reading. That tiny moment hit me harder than any romantic gesture ever could. It reminded me how easily we overlook the ordinary, the daily ways love shows up. We say we want connection, passion, and intimacy.

Some conversations can shake a relationship’s foundation or strengthen it. In Rethinking Monogamy Conversations,  I share how couples can talk about evolving agreements with honesty and calm rather than fear. It’s late afternoon in Palm Springs. The weather is slowly turning cooler and we can even have the windows open now, that strange hour when the desert light turns gold and quiet. The air conditioner hums like a meditation bell. I’m sitting at my desk finishing notes fro

Why authenticity starts with getting clear on what matters most Last Thursday afternoon my husband and I just completed filling out a new...

Returning to work after 13 months off After 13 months off on sabbatical, there’s a lot to reflect on. I called it a sabbatical rather...

Al, my husband, and I just finished re-watching Alan Downs’ ten-part lecture series on overcoming shame-based trauma, based on The Velvet...

Al, my husband, and I just finished re-watching Alan Downs’ ten-part lecture series on overcoming shame-based trauma, based on The Velvet...