Are You Growing Together? Or Just Side by Side?

I’ve sat across from a lot of gay male couples in therapy who look like they’re doing just fine on the outside. They share a home. They split responsibilities. They still laugh at each other’s jokes sometimes. But as we start to dig in, there’s a subtle ache that rises to the surface. One of them will say something like, “I don’t know what happened… we’re okay, but I don’t feel connected anymore.”

That moment right there? It’s what I call emotional drift.

It’s not a crisis at least not yet., anyway. But it’s a warning sign.

You’re not fighting. You’re not cheating. But you’re not growing together either. And over time, that quiet disconnection can erode the very foundation of your relationship.

How Gay Couples Drift Apart: Quietly

Emotional drift doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s not one big betrayal or sudden fallout. It happens in the slow fade of intimacy, when couples stop tending the emotional and relational garden they once watered every day.

You stop asking how his day really was.You stop telling him about your own.You get used to falling asleep facing opposite directions.You text, but only about logistics—never about love.

You still care. You still mean well. But the warmth, the curiosity, the presence is dulled.

And here’s the catch: this is normal.

Seriously. All long-term couples go through periods where the relationship slips into autopilot. Life is busy. Stress is real. And for gay men, in particular, many of us grew up without healthy role models for long-term partnership. We were taught how to hide, adapt, and survive and not necessarily how to maintain open, emotionally rich relationships over time.

But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

The Emotional Bank Account (And Why It Matters)

In Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples, I talk about something called the Emotional Bank Account.

Here’s how it works:Imagine every interaction you have with your partner is either a deposit or a withdrawal.

• A smile across the room? Deposit.

• Remembering how he takes his coffee? Deposit.

• Dismissing his feelings? Withdrawal.

• Ignoring his bid for attention? Withdrawal.

  
  

Strong, connected couples have a rich balance because they make small deposits every day. They build up credit with each other so that, when life gets tough (and it will), they have enough goodwill in the bank to weather the storm.

Couples who drift apart? Their account has gone quiet.

The good news? You can always start depositing again. And it doesn’t take grand gestures. In fact, it’s usually the little things that matter most.

What Growing Together Actually Looks Like

When you’re growing together, you feel seen even when you’re changing. You stay curious about who your partner is becoming, not just who he used to be. You notice when he’s off. You know what lights him up right now—not just what he loved five years ago.

And most importantly? You talk.

Not just about bills or weekend plans, but about your inner world. Your hopes. Your frustrations. Your fears.

You laugh together. You flirt. You reflect.

You say the things that take a little vulnerability to say:

• “I feel kind of far from you lately.”

• “I miss the way we used to just talk in bed without the TV on.”

• “I want us to feel more like a team again.”

Those moments aren’t easy but they’re the doorways back to intimacy.

Three Questions to Ask Tonight

If you're reading this and realizing you’ve been drifting, don’t panic. You’re not broken and your relationship isn’t over. But it is asking for your attention.

Here are three simple questions you can ask each other tonight. Write them down. Take turns answering. Really listen:

1. What’s something that brought you joy this week?

   This reminds you both of the life happening outside the relationship—and gives you a window into your partner’s world.

2. Is there anything you’ve been needing from me lately that I’ve missed?

   This one takes guts. But it opens the door for repair instead of resentment.

3. What’s one thing we could do this month to grow closer?

   Not in theory—in practice. Go do that thing.

Why I Wrote Making Love Last

One of the reasons I wrote Making Love Last is because I know this drift all too well,  from working with clients, but also from my own 50+ year marriage. My husband and I have hit those moments where we’ve had to say, “We need to get back to us.”

We’ve found our way back through conversation, laughter, vulnerability, and yes plenty of the exercises you’ll find in the book.

This isn’t a workbook filled with fluff. It’s built around 10 Essentials that help gay male couples grow stronger, reconnect emotionally, navigate conflict, and build a relationship worth waking up in.

If you’re tired of living side by side and you want to start growing together again, this book can be your guide.

Final Thought: Are You Still Choosing Each Other?

Long-term love doesn’t run on autopilot. You have to keep choosing each other.

That means turning toward instead of away.That means noticing instead of assuming.That means investing even when it feels easier to scroll.

So tonight, ask the questions. Say the thing. Make a deposit.

And if you want a step-by-step roadmap for reconnecting, rebuilding, and re imagining what’s possible in your relationship, grab a copy of Making Love Last. Your relationship deserves more than maintenance. It deserves meaning.

👉 Get the workbook here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=making+love+last+by+dr+steve+may&crid=O8Q3WC4WMVUG&sprefix=making+love+last+by+dr+steve+may%2Caps%2C163&ref=nb_sb_noss

Dr. Steve May