Bring Back the Joy
Why Play Humor, And Affection Keeps Love Alive
When people talk about building a strong relationship, the conversation usually turns serious very quickly. We talk about communication, trust, conflict, vulnerability, sex, money, and the work of repairing old wounds. All of that matters. But after more than 50 years with my husband, Al, I have learned something equally important: a relationship cannot live on problem-solving alone.
It also needs joy.
Joy is not a luxury added after everything else has been fixed. It is part of what keeps two people interested in each other, emotionally available, and willing to keep choosing the relationship. It reminds us that our partner is not merely the person with whom we manage a household, solve problems, and negotiate responsibilities. He is also the person with whom we are meant to enjoy being alive.
This can be especially important for gay men. Many of us learned early to watch ourselves carefully. We learned to read the room, protect what we revealed, and prepare for judgment or rejection. Those skills may once have helped us survive, but vigilance can follow us into adult life. Without realizing it, we can become better at anticipating danger than noticing delight.
A healthy relationship needs a place for both truth and pleasure. We need to be able to talk about what hurts, but we also need to remember what makes us laugh. We need to repair disconnection, but we also need to create experiences worth connecting around.
Research increasingly supports this positive side of relationship health. A 2024 study found that gratitude was linked with greater relationship satisfaction partly because it helped partners experience one another as more responsive. A longitudinal study of male couples found that the presence and quality of sexual communication were associated with greater satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and more positive daily feelings. A 2025 meta-analysis covering 145 studies in 28 countries found that gratitude practices produced small but meaningful gains in well-being.
None of this means that couples should pretend everything is fine. Forced positivity is simply another form of avoidance. Real joy does not require denying pain. It gives us more emotional strength with which to face it.
Joy is often built from surprisingly ordinary things: an inside joke, a warm greeting, music in the kitchen, a hand on the shoulder, a walk without phones, or the anticipation of doing something enjoyable together. These moments may appear small, but they send an important message: “I still see you. I still enjoy you. We are more than the problems we are trying to solve.”
Couples sometimes tell themselves they will have more fun when work settles down, when the family crisis ends, when money is less tight, or when they finally take a vacation. But relationships rarely receive the perfect conditions they are waiting for. Joy has to be practiced inside the life you already have.
Five Ways to Bring More Joy Back
1. Notice what brings your partner alive. Pay attention to when he becomes lighter, more animated, curious, or playful. Make room for more of that.
2. Protect ten minutes of undistracted connection. Sit together, take a short walk, or share something amusing without turning the moment into a planning meeting.
3. Express specific appreciation. Instead of a general “thank you,” name what you noticed and why it mattered to you.
4. Do something mildly ridiculous. Sing badly. Dance in the kitchen. Revisit an old photograph. Play restores parts of us that responsibility can crowd out.
5. Put something enjoyable on the calendar. Anticipation itself can create positive emotion and remind you that the future holds more than obligations.
This message also matters for gay men who are single, recovering from a relationship, or hoping to love differently next time. Ask yourself what emotional atmosphere you want to help create with another man. Do you want a relationship filled with curiosity, affection, humor, and generosity? Those qualities are not only things to look for in a partner. They are capacities you can begin strengthening in yourself.
The strongest relationships are not happy every day. They do not avoid grief, anger, disappointment, aging, or change. But they keep making room for moments that say life together is still worth enjoying.
Love needs honesty. It needs responsibility. It needs repair.
And every so often, it also needs the two of you to stop working so hard on the relationship and remember how to have a little fun inside it.
Warmly, Steve
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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