Dating Sober And Staying True To Yourself

Reflections From A Gay Men's Recovery Retreat

I just came back from a gay men’s recovery retreat where the topic of dating and sex came up again and again. Now it is Sunday night and I am home reflecting on the weekend. My evenings are always anchored by a soak in the jacuzzi with a little prayer and meditation. Tonight is no different, and the quiet gives me space to think about what I heard.

Many of the men were anxious about sex. Some admitted they had never had sex while sober. The idea of sharing intimacy without a chemical buffer felt both hopeful and terrifying. Alongside that was another recurring theme: authenticity. Over and over I heard, “How do I find my true self?”

Those two threads, sex without numbing and the search for authenticity, are tightly connected. When you stop using alcohol or drugs to blur the edges you meet yourself as you really are. Dating becomes more vulnerable but also more real.

Why It Is Easy to Disappear

Early romance is powerful even without substances. Your brain floods with dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that push you to merge and stay close. Add years of using alcohol or drugs to quiet nerves and it is no wonder sober dating can feel overwhelming.

That rush can make anyone lose their footing. You skip routines, you forget the practices that keep you grounded, and you wake up one day unsure of who you are outside of the relationship.

If sex has often been paired with alcohol or drugs the body carries another layer of learning. The nervous system linked intimacy with a chemical “safety cue.” Remove that cue and anxiety shows up: faster heartbeat, racing thoughts, the sense that something is wrong. It is not a flaw. It is conditioning, and it can be retrained.

Build Your Anchor First

The best protection is a strong sense of self before anyone else enters the picture. Making Love Last talks about values and daily rituals as guardrails for couples, but they matter just as much for single men, especially in recovery.

Ask yourself:

• Which parts of my routine feed me such as exercise, meditation, or creative work

• Which friendships and support meetings deserve protected time

• What personal goals matter no matter who I am dating

My own anchor is simple. Every night I take time in the jacuzzi for quiet prayer and meditation. It reminds me who I am. A relationship can complement that but it does not replace it.

Dating Sober

Dating without the old crutch of a drink or a high is different. Small talk feels bigger. Touch can feel electric or awkward. That is normal. Let it be awkward.

When you show up sober you are bringing your authentic self to the table from the start. That honesty is a gift. You see the other person clearly and they see you. You also notice red flags faster, like whether someone pressures you to drink or use.

Set boundaries early. Meet in places that support sobriety, like coffee shops or a hike. Have a plan if anxiety spikes: a call to a friend, a meeting, a grounding practice. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is feeling the fear and staying present anyway.

Facing First Time Sober Sex

This came up again and again at the retreat. Many men admitted they had never experienced sex without alcohol or drugs. The thought of being completely present, every sensation sharp and every emotion unfiltered, felt both thrilling and frightening.

Here are a few ideas to ease the transition:

• Regulate first. Longer exhales than inhales, a quick body scan, even cold water on the wrists can signal safety to your nervous system

• Go in layers. Start with clothed touch or mindful kissing. Let the body learn step by step that nothing bad happens when you are present and sober

• Talk openly. “I am new to sober sex. I would like to go slow. Can we check in as we go?” If someone cannot meet that with respect they are not your person tonight

• Redefine success. Intimacy is bigger than performance. Pleasure, laughter, eye contact, and simple touch all count

If anxiety spikes in the moment, press your feet into the floor and name five things you see, breathe in for four and out for six, or ask for a pause to just hold each other. These resets are not failure. They are training.

Keep Your Life Full

Dating from a place of wholeness changes how you connect. You can be generous without being needy and listen without losing your voice.

It also makes you more attractive. People sense when you have a balanced life. It signals that you are choosing them, not clinging to them.

Hold onto your anchors:

• Keep standing plans with friends or recovery groups

• Stick to your exercise, creative, or spiritual routine

• Say yes to dates, but say no when you need downtime

These habits are not walls. They are the edges that let you meet someone as a whole person.

The Work of Authenticity

Recovery is about more than staying sober. It is about discovering who you are without the mask. Dating offers a real test. Can you stay honest when you feel vulnerable? Can you share your story without shame?

Authenticity is not a single moment. It is a daily practice. Speak up when something bothers you. Admit when you feel nervous. Share what matters even when it is uncomfortable. Each honest conversation strengthens the self you are trying to know.

You do not have to wait for a boyfriend to practice this. Notice how you manage friendships, work, and self care now. Do you over give to please people? Do you skip meetings or meditation when life gets busy? Those habits will follow you into romance unless you adjust them first.

Love Without Disappearing

The goal is not to keep a partner at arm’s length. It is to share a life that still feels like yours. The strongest couples I see in therapy are the ones where both men keep growing as individuals while building something together.

So as I sit here after the recovery retreat, steam rising from the jacuzzi, I keep thinking about the men who asked how to stay themselves when love arrives and how to face sex without a drink or a drug to soften the edges. The answer is simple but not easy. Stay present, stay honest, and keep your anchors in place.

Start now. Get clear on what feeds you. Protect it kindly. And when the right man comes along, invite him into a life that is already whole.

Want to go deeper? My book Making Love Last: A Workbook For Gay Male Couples To Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust offers tools for defining your values and protecting the daily habits that keep you grounded. Even if you are single and in recovery, these tools help you date with confidence, embrace sober intimacy, and stay true to yourself.

Buy the book here

Dr Steve May

Another *****Review: Very practical strategies for improving and maintaining your relationship

Dr. May's book offers very digestible and accessible strategies for improving and maintaining a healthy relationship. He addresses a broad range of issues pertinent to gay relationships and synthesizes contemporary perspectives and approaches to thinking about your relationship and also Review:something about it. You will find many practical suggestions, as well as personal perspectives from the author. I think it could be an extremely helpful tool for anyone who reads it.

-David Wolgin