Do You Know the Difference Between Sexual and Sensual Intimacy?

Today in London, I kept my promise to myself—to experience something new every single day. My adventure took me to two very different markets: Borough Market and Camden Market. I arrived at Borough Market at 9 am, not realizing they officially opened at 10. Luckily, an inviting aroma from a vendor already serving Turkish coffee drew me in. I sipped my strong, rich coffee and watched vendors bustling around, setting up vibrant canopies of green, red, and yellow. It was peaceful and exciting, a perfect combination of anticipation and calm.

One fruit stall was already open, proudly displaying strawberries that looked like they belonged in an art gallery. Naturally, I couldn’t resist. They were astonishingly good—sweet, ripe, juicy, unlike anything I've tasted back in the States lately. It reminded me that genuine quality comes from care, attention, and presence. There's nothing rushed or artificial about truly good produce.

The Camden Market was a different story. More crowded, flashy, and geared toward tourists looking for quick souvenirs rather than authentic experiences. It felt transactional rather than personal. I left knowing I’d gladly return to Borough Market, but not Camden.

As I thought about these contrasting experiences over another coffee later in Soho, it struck me how similar these two markets were to the differences between sexual and sensual intimacy in relationships.

Sexual vs. Sensual—What’s Really the Difference?

Many couples arrive in therapy believing their problem is purely sexual. They might say things like:

·       “We don’t have sex anymore.”

·       “Sex feels mechanical and routine.”

·       “There’s just no passion.”

But beneath these concerns often lies something deeper and something more fundamental that’s being overlooked: sensual intimacy.

If sexual intimacy is like Camden Market, flashy, transactional, and often rushed. Then sensual intimacy is like Borough Market, authentic, vibrant, and deeply fulfilling. Sexual intimacy is about the act itself, the physical expressions of desire. Sensual intimacy, however, is about connection and presence. It’s the gentle, non-sexual touch, the lingering eye contact, the warmth, the safety, and the feeling of truly knowing and seeing one another.

Without sensual intimacy, sex can quickly become unsatisfying and routine, mechanical, or pressure-filled, because the emotional foundation beneath it has eroded.

Why This Matters So Much for Gay Couples

For many gay men, intimacy wasn’t modeled clearly during their formative years. Few of us saw tender, non-sexual affection between men as safe or normal. Many grew up with affection either overly sexualized or stigmatized. As adults, this leaves us equipped with clear expectations around sexual performance but unsure how to simply be close, gentle, and emotionally present.

Over time, the gap between sexual acts and emotional intimacy can widen into a chasm. Couples might find themselves affectionate publicly but distant privately, unsure how to bridge this divide without feeling awkward or vulnerable.

Recognizing the Sensuality Gap

Wondering if you have a sensual intimacy gap in your relationship? Here are some common signs:

·       You rarely touch each other unless it’s leading directly to sex.

·       Affection feels transactional or rushed rather than natural and comforting.

·       Quiet, affectionate moments feel awkward rather than peaceful.

·       You long for emotional closeness and gentle touch but aren't sure how to get there.

If any of this resonates, rest assured, you aren’t broken or unusual. You’re simply recognizing a deeper emotional need that hasn’t been met.

Rebuilding Sensual Intimacy and Where Do You Start?

Here’s the good news: rebuilding sensual intimacy is often simpler than couples imagine. You don’t need grand gestures or complicated routines. Instead, it’s about slowing down and focusing on small moments of gentle connection each day:

·       Hold hands without expectation.

·       Give hugs that linger just a bit longer.

·       Share quiet moments of comfortable silence together.

·       Take time to genuinely listen and connect emotionally throughout your day.

These small acts build trust, safety, and connection often creating a secure emotional space where sexual intimacy can flourish naturally.

Invitation, Not Transaction

The magic of sensual intimacy is that it’s an invitation, not a transaction. It’s not about achieving a goal or getting somewhere fast. It’s about simply being together, emotionally present and physically relaxed.

When couples rediscover this sensual space, pressure diminishes, trust deepens, and intimacy naturally begins to flow again. It stops feeling forced and returns to feeling natural, enjoyable, and deeply fulfilling.

Starting the Conversation (Gently)

I know starting this conversation can feel vulnerable. Many couples fear it will trigger conflict or guilt. But a gentle approach can help you reconnect without pressure. Start with simple questions like:

·       “What kind of non-sexual touch makes you feel most loved?”

·       “When do you feel closest to me emotionally?”

·       “Are there ways we can be more affectionate throughout our day?”

These conversations don’t need to fix everything instantly. They’re valuable simply because they bring the issue into the open with warmth and curiosity.

Final Thought

Just as I found the difference today between the authentic pleasure of Borough Market and the transactional experience of Camden Market, couples can rediscover the joy and depth of sensual intimacy. Remember: true intimacy isn’t just about what you do together but it’s about how you are together.

If you feel you’re missing something essential in your relationship, it might not be sex you’re missing at all. But it might be sensual closeness. Recognizing this opens the door to deeper, richer intimacy that feels safe and satisfying.

And if you’re ready to explore this journey more deeply, my workbook Making Love Last gently guides couples back toward connection: one thoughtful touch at a time.

👉 Explore more in Making Love Last here.

Dr Steve May

***** Stars “For any gay couple looking to invest in the longevity of their marriage, this workbook is not just helpful — it is transformative.”Alison Busher LMFT Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Specializing in LGBTQ+ Couples Counseling