Do You Really Know What You’re Looking For in Love?

This past Sunday I had a long conversation with a friend of mine and he asked me, “I need a book for single men who are looking for a relationship.”

I get this comment a lot. Many single men tell me they want a partner, they’re tired of being alone, or they’re finally ready to “settle down.” But when I turn the question back and ask, “What does a lasting relationship look like for you?” the room usually goes quiet. Sometimes I’ll get a vague answer. More often, I’ll get a quick joke to dodge the discomfort.

That silence is telling. It’s hard to build something you’ve never pictured. And without that picture, a lot of men drift from hookup to fling to almost-relationship without ever pausing to define what they actually want. If you don’t know your own map, it’s very easy to get lost.

Why Clarity Matters

A big piece of Making Love Last is about clarity. Clarity around values, needs, daily routines, and how you want love to feel on an ordinary Tuesday, not just on a great first date. Those tools aren’t only for couples trying to improve their relationship. They’re just as useful for single men who want to date with intention.

Think about house hunting. Before you start looking, you usually make a list: bedrooms, location, style, budget. If you skip that step, you end up wandering through random properties, maybe even getting talked into something that never really fit your life. Dating without clarity works the same way.

When you’re clear about what you want, you’re less likely to get swept away by novelty. You stop settling for whoever shows up with a charming smile and instead hold out for someone who actually fits the life you’re building.

The Power of the Playbook

In the book, I introduce something called the “relationship playbook.” Couples use it to learn and relearn each other over time. But single men can use the same structure to learn themselves.

What kind of affection feels good to you? How do you typically handle conflict? What do you need when it comes to time alone versus time together? What do you want your days to look like once the early rush of new love fades?

When you’ve thought about these things ahead of time, you’re less likely to mistake chemistry for compatibility. You’ll recognize when someone actually aligns with your deeper needs and when they don’t.

Spotting Red Flags Sooner

Let’s be honest: chemistry can be intoxicating. A great date can make you overlook things you know will hurt you later. Maybe he dismisses your opinions. Maybe he avoids difficult conversations. Maybe he’s not actually interested in building anything long-term.

If you’ve already gotten clear about your non-negotiables, those red flags stand out sooner. You’ll notice the mismatch faster. That saves you time, energy, and unnecessary heartache. Clarity isn’t about being picky. It’s about protecting your well-being and making space for the right partner to enter.

Grounding Questions to Ask Yourself

If you’re single and serious about love, start with a few grounding questions:

• What does “lasting” actually mean to me?

• What does support look like in my world?

• How do I want to handle money, time, sex, and family?

• Which parts of my life am I excited to share, and which parts are mine to protect?

You don’t need to have perfect answers. You just need to be honest with yourself. These questions aren’t meant to box you in. They’re meant to guide you toward the kind of relationship that will actually fit your life.

Why Vision Matters More Than Perfection

A lot of men get stuck because they think they need to have it all figured out before they start dating. Not true. You don’t need perfection to have a vision. You just need direction.

The right partner isn’t going to design your plan for you. He’s going to join you in building it. But if you’ve never taken the time to imagine what “lasting” means in your life, it’s easy to hand over the blueprint or worse, to let someone else’s idea of love define yours.

Being single gives you the space to do that imagining. It’s not wasted time. It’s preparation.

A Different Kind of Readiness

When my friend asked me about a book for single men, I told him the same thing I’ll tell you: the skills that keep couples thriving are the same ones you can practice right now.

Making clarity a priority isn’t just about finding love. It’s about showing up differently once you do. With a clearer vision, you’ll date with confidence. You’ll know what you’re looking for. And you’ll be far less likely to confuse momentary excitement with long-term fit.

Want to go deeper? My book Making Love Last: A Workbook For Gay Male Couples To Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust lays out a simple, practical way to create your own relationship playbook. Even if you’re single, you can use it now to get clear on what you want and let that clarity guide who you choose next. Purchase Making Love Last here

Dr Steve May