Holiday Rituals for Two: Creating Traditions That Actually Fit Your Life

My Husband And I just got back from a city bus tour to see the London Christmas Lights. Luckily the rain held off since we sere sitting on an open the upper deck of an open air bus The city is covered in lights. Shop windows are trying very hard to convince us that everyone else has the perfect family, the perfect tree, the perfect matching pajamas. Al and I looked at each other and laughed, because like most gay men, our holidays have never looked like the commercials.

For many of us, the old scripts never really fit. Maybe our families were warm and accepting. Maybe they were complicated, distant, or painful. Either way, most of the holiday rituals we grew up with were not designed with two men in mind. That is why rituals and celebrations become such an important part of long term gay male relationships. We are not just decorating a tree or booking a flight. We are quietly saying, “This is our life now. This is our family.”

p.s. Vising London during the holiday season to see the Christmas lights may become a new Holiday Ritual for us.

Why rituals matter more than we think

Rituals are not about being sentimental or romantic all the time. They are about predictability. They are the emotional anchors in a world that keeps shifting under our feet. When life gets busy or stressful, rituals remind you of three things: we matter, this relationship is real, and we come back to each other on purpose.

For gay men, this can be especially powerful. Many of us have had holidays where we felt like the extra chair at the table, or the secret no one talks about. Creating rituals as a couple is a quiet act of rebellion. You are saying, “We belong here. We belong to each other.”

The problem is that a lot of couples never talk about rituals. They just inherit them. One partner assumes you will always fly home for Christmas, because that is what his family did. The other partner secretly dreads it, but goes along to keep the peace. Over time, resentment grows. Not because anyone is bad or wrong, but because the rituals serving the relationship were never clearly chosen.

Designing rituals that fit your life

Instead of asking, “What should we do for the holidays,” try asking, “What do we want our holidays to feel like as a couple?”

Do you want quiet and cozy or loud and social? Do you want travel and adventure or home and routine? Do you want to spend your energy on chosen family, biological family, just the two of you, or some mix of all three?

Once you are clear about the feeling you are going for, you can design the specifics. For example:

• If you want connection, maybe you start a ritual of a long walk through the holiday lights every year, just the two of you, phones away.

• If you want playfulness, maybe you trade small, silly gifts over coffee in bed before you deal with anyone else.

• If you want meaning, maybe you volunteer together one morning during the holidays, or make a donation in honor of someone important in your lives.

None of these need to be dramatic. What makes them powerful is that you both agree, “Yes, this matters to us.”

Micro-rituals matter too

When couples think of rituals, they often think of big events. Trips. Dinners. Parties. But the smallest rituals often have the biggest impact over time.

In Making Love Last, I talk about micro-moments of connection. During the holidays, this might look like lighting a candle at dinner and each sharing one “tiny good thing” about your day. It might be a five minute check in before bed where you ask, “How are you really doing with all of this?” It might be a weekly “holiday planning huddle” where you look at the calendar together and decide what you are saying yes to and what you are going to politely decline.

These micro-rituals say, “Our relationship is the home base. The season revolves around us, not the other way around.”

What to do when your histories collide

Here is where it often gets tricky. You and your partner come into the relationship with two very different holiday histories. One of you may have loved Christmas growing up. The other may associate it with conflict, religion, or rejection. One of you may feel guilty if you do not go home. The other may feel anxious if you do.

If this sounds familiar, remember this is not about who is right. It is about understanding the story each of you is carrying.

Try trading stories instead of positions. Instead of “We have to go to my family’s house every year,” try “When I think about skipping Christmas at home, I feel…” and fill in the sentence. Instead of “I hate your family,” try “When we are there, I feel…” and finish that sentence too. Then listen. Really listen.

From there, you can negotiate. Maybe you alternate years. Maybe you shorten the visit. Maybe you create a “sacred day” in the middle of the trip that is just for the two of you. The goal is not to win. The goal is to protect the relationship while honoring both histories as best you can.

Starting fresh if holidays are painful

For some couples, the holidays are not nostalgic, they are triggering. If you or your partner carries a lot of grief, trauma, or loneliness around this season, you are not alone. Many gay men do.

In that case, you may need to start almost from scratch. This might mean keeping things very simple at first. One or two gentle rituals. Maybe that nightly “How are you really doing” check in. Maybe a low pressure dinner with one or two close friends. Maybe a private ritual of writing down what you want to let go of from the past year and then literally tearing it up or burning it in a safe, symbolic way.

There is no right way to do this. The only rule is: does this help us feel more connected, more grounded, and more ourselves? If not, you do not have to keep it, even if “everyone else” is doing it.

Bringing it back to your relationship

As I sit here in London with Al, thinking about the lights, the noise, and the pressure to do it all, I keep coming back to this simple truth: our best rituals have never been the flashy ones. They are the quiet, repeated choices to come back to each other.

A walk after dinner, just to talk. A private toast before a party. Sitting on the hotel bed, shoes off, looking at each other and asking, “What do you need from me this week so this trip feels good to you?”

If you do nothing else this holiday season, try that question. Ask it, answer it, and then follow through as best you can. That one ritual alone can change the entire tone of your December.

Want to go deeper with this

In Chapter 9 of Making Love Last, I walk you through how to create daily, weekly, and yearly rituals that fit who you are as a gay male couple, not who the world thinks you should be. If you and your partner are ready to design traditions that actually fit your life, that chapter is a great place to start.

Buy The Book Here

Dr Steve May

www.drstevemay.com