Holiday Rituals That Actually Bring You Closer (Instead of Driving You Nuts)

Setting the scene

I am starting to pull out all the decorations from their storage place to begin the process of putting up the Christmas tree, decorating it, and starting to plan our annual chocolate making for holiday gifts.  I already have a commitment to make three apple pies for the thanksgiving celebration we are going to with friends next week. And finally we have to get all the Christmas cards signed and mailed. Al and I both love the Holiday Season, it’s time consuming but worth it. In therapy I often hear a version of the same thing: “This is the most stressful time of the year for us”, Im not sure I can’t stand being around his family for that much time”, “there are always such high expectations around the holidays.”

Why rituals matter more than decorations

So let us talk about rituals and celebrations. Not the Instagram version. The real kind. The kind that hold a relationship together when life is stressful and everyone is a little too tired and a little too triggered. Chapter Nine of my book Making Love Last is all about this, and the holiday season is the perfect time to put it into practice.

Rituals are simply the things you do on purpose, over and over, because they mean something to you. They might look small from the outside, but they tell a powerful story inside the relationship: we matter. This matters. You and I are a team.

For many gay men, holidays have a history

For gay men, this is especially important. A lot of us did not grow up with holidays that felt safe or truly welcoming. Maybe Christmas meant walking on eggshells. Maybe Thanksgiving meant comments about your body, your singleness, your “lifestyle.” So when you are building a life with another man, you are not just putting up lights. You are rewriting the script.

Three layers of rituals

I like to think of rituals in three layers: daily, weekly, and seasonal.

Daily rituals might be your morning coffee check in, a quick kiss before one of you walks out the door, or a short text you always send before bed when you are apart.

Weekly rituals might be your date night, Sunday morning pancakes, or a standing walk around the neighborhood to catch up on life.

Seasonal rituals are things like how you do birthdays, anniversaries, Pride, and yes, the Christmas Holiday Season from thanksgiving thru New Years.

The holidays are not a performance

Here is the mistake I see couples make all the time. They treat the holidays like a performance, not a ritual. It turns into a long to do list. Travel. Gifts. Family. Money. Expectations. No wonder so many couples start fighting. The focus shifts from connection to survival. You are managing the event instead of protecting your bond.

In therapy I sometimes ask a couple, “If you removed everything that looks good on social media, what would actually make this season feel loving and meaningful for the two of you?” That question usually gets very quiet very fast. Then the real answers surface: “I want one evening where we are not rushing.” “I want to feel chosen over your family.” “I want a moment where we remember why we picked each other in the first place.”

Marco and James change the script

Here is a simple story. A composite couple I will call Marco and James spent years doing Christmas the same miserable way. Fly to one family, freeze their way through old dynamics, pretend they were fine, come home exhausted and resentful. Finally they decided to build one new ritual that was just for them.

On Christmas Eve, no matter where they were, they spent 30-60 minutes alone. Phones off. They exchanged one small, thoughtful gift and answered three questions: What did I appreciate most about you this year? What was hard for us that we got through together? What is one thing I want to build with you next year?

They still saw family. They still traveled. But that small ritual became the emotional center of the holiday. It was their protected space. Their relationship stopped feeling like background noise to everyone else’s expectations.

Creating one new ritual this season

If you and your partner want to experiment with rituals this holiday season, you do not need a perfect plan. You just need a clear intention and something small to repeat. Start with a conversation. Ask each other: What did the holidays feel like in your family growing up? What did you love? What hurt? What do you never want to repeat? Then ask: What is one new ritual we could start this year that would make this season feel more like us?

Maybe it is a quiet walk together after a big family meal where you both decompress and check in. Maybe it is lighting a candle for queer friends and family who are chosen family now. Maybe it is a New Year’s Day brunch where you write down three intentions for your relationship, not just individual resolutions.

Your relationship is the main event

The point is not to get it perfect. The point is to send each other a message: our relationship is not an afterthought during the holidays. It is the main event.

In Making Love Last I talk about how rituals are one of the easiest ways to keep building up your emotional bank account together. They do not have to be expensive or impressive. They just have to be intentional. So as the season ramps up, ask yourselves: Are we just getting through the holidays, or are we using this time to write the story of who we are as a couple? Pick one small ritual. Try it. If it works, do it again. Over time, those simple moments become the heartbeat of your life together.

Want to go deeper with this? Chapter Nine of Making Love Last: A Workbook For Gay Male Couples To Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust walks you through more examples and exercises to design your own rituals and celebrations as a gay couple. It is not about creating a picture perfect holiday. It is about creating a relationship that still feels close and alive long after the decorations are packed away.

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Dr Steve May

www.drstevemay.com