“How Shame-Based Trauma Affects Gay Men and Their Relationships”

Many gay men grow up with the quiet, constant message that something about them is wrong. That message isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle—the silence at the dinner table when you mention a boy’s name, the awkward laughter at school, or the way no one looks you in the eye when you’re just being yourself. Over time, that message settles in. It becomes shame.

Even when we come out, find community, or fall in love, that early shame doesn’t just go away. It lives in the body and nervous system. It becomes the lens through which we see ourselves and our relationships. That’s what I mean by shame-based trauma—and it affects far more gay men than we tend to talk about.

The Therapy Room Moment

There’s a moment I’ve seen again and again in therapy.

A couple sits across from me. They’re in a loving relationship, but something feels off.

One partner says, “Why is he never satisfied with our relationship? Why am I so sensitive to his criticism?”

The other says, “Why can’t I find the courage to be myself in this relationship?” Or, “I don’t know why I shut down when he gets too close.” Or simply, “Sometimes I feel like he thinks  I’m not enough.”

Beneath those words is a deep, often invisible wound: shame-based trauma. And for many gay men, it starts early.

The Trauma You Didn’t Know You Were Carrying

Every human being is born with six primitive emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, shame, and surprise. These emotions evolved to help us survive. Shame, in particular, developed to protect us from being cast out of the tribe—because, thousands of years ago, being excluded often meant death.

The survival response linked to shame is simple: hide. Hide the part of you that isn’t accepted.

As gay boys, many of us learned early that our authentic selves weren’t welcome. So we hid our voices, our softness, our crushes, and our dreams. We were teased, bullied, ignored, excluded—or subtly made to feel "off."

To cope, we put on masks and played roles to “fit in.” That’s trauma and not just to the body or mind, but to the heart.

And it doesn’t just go away when we come out or fall in love. It shows up in how we argue, how we withdraw, how safe we feel letting someone truly know us.

How It Shows Up in Relationships

In Making Love Last, I talk about the ways couples get stuck in patterns they don’t understand. One partner shuts down emotionally: the other starts pushing harder for closeness. Neither realizes they’re reenacting old shame scripts. Scripts that started long before they met.

A common example: One partner says, “I want more affection, more time, more connection.” The other feels overwhelmed and pulls away. On the surface, it looks like emotional distance. But underneath? A lifetime of messages like:

“If you really knew me, you wouldn’t want me.”“Don’t get too close or they might hurt you.”

Shame builds walls around our hearts and convinces us that those walls are safety.

You’re Not Broken—You Were Hurt

One of the core messages I share in Making Love Last is this:You are not broken.You developed defenses that helped you survive. But now, in adult relationships, those same defenses may be pushing love away.

The good news? You can change this. Healing doesn’t mean “fixing yourself.” It means letting yourself be seen and learning to see your partner clearly, too.

Healing Starts with Awareness

When we understand how shame and trauma shape our relationships, we can stop blaming ourselves or our partners for the distance we feel.

Shame says, “I’m not worthy of love.”Trauma says, “It’s not safe to trust anyone.”Love says, “You’re not alone. I see you. I’m here.”

In Making Love Last, I teach couples practical ways to challenge these old beliefs:

• The Partner Playbook helps you stay curious about who your partner is—and who they’re becoming.

• The Emotional Bank Account shows how small acts of kindness and appreciation can rebuild emotional safety.

• Vulnerability rituals like weekly check-ins or sharing gratitude help open the door to deeper connection.

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You’re Not Broken-You’re Healing

If you're reading this and thinking, “This is me,” please hear this:

You are not broken.You are not unlovable.You’re healing from a world that taught you to armor up before you even knew what love was.

But now, you get to choose.

You get to choose partners who hold you gently.You get to share your fears, your needs, your softness.You get to build a relationship not in spite of your trauma, but through it.

And as Dr. Frank Anderson, a leader in trauma recovery, puts it:

“Trauma blocks love and connection. But love and connection cure trauma.”

With Love 

Dr Steve May