How This Book: Making Love Last, Can Help
- Steven May
- Nov 2
- 4 min read
I am headed to a gay book fair today and I am excited to share this work with a wider crowd. I know I will get the same question I always hear: “Why should I get this book?” Fair question.
It also pokes at a myth that bugs me. I ask someone about their “long term” relationship and they say seven to ten years or less, as if that is the ceiling. That sells us short. Look closer and you will see plenty of gay male relationships that last many years. Among couples who make a clear commitment, year to year stability looks a lot like what we see in straight couples once you match for marriage and time together. Translation: love lasts when we practice it.
In my experience, many gay male couples wait too long to get support. They are not broken. They just need a simple routine and a few reliable tools. Small fixes can put the bond back on track.
What this book does
This book gives couples a short program they can actually finish. It distills the eight sessions of coaching I use in therapy into a do it yourself format. Plan on one to three hours per week with your partner, depending on the assignment. Read a bit together, try one exercise, practice a tool during the week, then check in. The goal is not to fix you. The goal is to level up skills that make connection easier and conflict cleaner. If you show up and practice, things change. Not overnight. Steady, noticeable progress.
How to use your one to three hours
Read together for fifteen to twenty minutes and mark what lands.
Do one exercise without rushing.
Use one tool during the week in real life.
End with a five minute check in on what worked and what to try next.
Four habits that make everything easier
Make your relationship a clear priority.Put your weekly time on the calendar and protect it like a flight. You are not fixing each other. You are building skills together.
Own your part.Each partner takes full responsibility for their half. Notice your triggers. Name the feeling and the need. Ask, “What can I do this week that would help us.”
Stack small positives.Three appreciations a day. A standing date night. A quick check in before bed. Keep up with each other’s inner world so you are not guessing.
Drop the past during weekly talks.Keep the focus on the last seven days. If it did not happen this week, it waits. That stops the greatest hits fight and keeps things doable.
Skills you will pick up
Emotional regulation.Catch the heat rising. Ground your feet. Slow your breath. Name the feeling. Then talk. Your body stops running the show.
The story I am telling myself.Say your story in one sentence. Separate facts from guesses. Ask for a reality check. Clarity is kind.
Pause and return.When either of you feels flooded, call a pause. Take twenty to sixty minutes to reset. Move your body. Drink water. Return with a gentle opener.
Cleaner conflict.De escalate first. Return with a soft start. Listen to learn. Aim for one fair next step or a simple compromise. Half of long term problems never fully resolve. Success is kinder management, not winning.
Spot the usual dances.You will learn to name patterns like Find the Bad Guy, Protest Polka, and Freeze and Flee. Once you see the dance, you can change the steps.
Why this helps gay male couples
Many of us grew up with armor. Quick wit and competence are strengths, and sometimes they become shields. This workbook trades performance for presence. It asks for a little more truth, a little earlier, in a kinder tone. Not perfect. Honest.
A small picture from real life
Two men, Friday night. One wants quiet. One wants contact. Old pattern looks like sarcasm, retreat, scrolling. New pattern sounds like this. “The story I am telling myself is that you are pulling away.” “My story is that if I say I am tired you will hear rejection.” That opens a door. Add three appreciations, a pause if needed, and a plan to check back in on Sunday. Nothing fancy. Just different choices that protect the bond.
Try this week
Pick one. Keep it tiny. See what shifts.
Three appreciations a day.Thanks for making coffee. I liked your text at lunch. I was proud of how we handled dinner.
Mini playbook.Each of you writes ten things that matter right now. Foods, fears, fun, goals, songs on repeat. Trade lists and update one item next week.
Soft start script.“I care about us and want to talk. Is now good or is later better.” Then share one concern and one request.
Pause plan.Choose a phrase like “I need a reset.” Step away. Return when both of you feel ready. Set a timer so the pause does not become avoidance.
Making Love Last: A Workbook For Gay Male Couples To Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust is kind, clear, and doable at home. Give it one to three hours a week. Start small. Keep going. The future you want together gets built in those hours.
Dr Steve May
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