How To Forgive:Even If You Are Still Hurt

London Check-In: Tourist Week with Al

It’s tourist week here in London. Al arrived last Saturday, and we’ve hit the ground running ever since. By the time he heads home Monday, we’ll have squeezed in three West End musicals, six new restaurants, four museums, three castles, and too many Tube rides to count. We’ve braved the crowds at Borough Market (twice, walked over 10,000 steps per day, and even heard Rachel Zegler who plays the New Evita belting out “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” from the outside balcony at the Palladium Theater to a crowd of strangers on the street.(The people attending the musical only get to see her sing on a video screen.)

Somewhere between coffee shops, art galleries, and our daily 10,000+ steps, we’ve also had those little moments all couples do: missed signals, frayed patience, small disappointments that land just wrong. It reminded me how forgiveness is one of the most important and most difficult parts of staying connected.

Why Forgiveness Is So Hard in Relationships

When a stranger bumps into you on the sidewalk, you shake it off. But when your partner says something sharp or forgets something meaningful? That cuts deeper.

Why? Because you trusted them with your heart. And that trust magnifies the hurt even when i is broken in small ways. A forgotten birthday, a broken promise, a pattern of dismissiveness can all land with more weight because it comes from someone who matters.

That’s what makes forgiveness in intimate relationships feel risky. We worry that if we let it go, we’ll invite it to happen again. But the truth is, holding on to resentment doesn’t protect us, it isolates us. It shuts down vulnerability. And it slowly erodes the connection we’re trying to preserve.

What Forgiveness Is (and What It Isn’t)

Let’s be clear: Forgiveness is not saying it was okay. It’s saying you’re done letting it define your relationship.

That’s a big distinction.

It’s not:

• Forgetting what happened

• Saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t

• Rushing past your hurt to keep the peace

• Excusing a pattern of harm

Real forgiveness is honest. It acknowledges what hurt. It gives voice to how it impacted you. And it makes space for REPAIR.

The Path to Letting Go

In Making Love Last, I included a structured Forgiveness Ritual to help couples do this kind of healing work. It’s not a magic trick. But it gives a shape to the process. At its core, it invites both people to slow down and move through a few key steps:

• Name the hurt without blame:“When you didn’t respond to me for hours after our fight, I felt abandoned.”

• Share the emotional impact honestly:“I was hurt, anxious, and started telling myself the story that I didn’t matter.”

• Let your partner respond without interrupting. Just listen. Even when it’s uncomfortable.

• Ask for what you need to repair:“ I need to feel like you’re emotionally present next time we argue.”

• Speak a conscious choice to forgive: Something like, “I’m choosing to forgive you; not because I’m over it, but because I want us to move forward.”

Forgiveness doesn’t always happen in one conversation. Sometimes it’s a slow, layered process. But even saying the words out loud helps shift the emotional weight between you.

What If You’re Still Hurt?

Forgiveness doesn’t require the hurt to be gone. It simply asks: Are you willing to stop carrying this alone?

There’s no timer on forgiveness. Especially with deep betrayals, like emotional withdrawal, chronic dishonesty, or having sex outside of the relationship, healing takes time. And often, professional help.

But I’ll tell you this: couples who do the work of forgiveness (not the performance, but the real thing) often come out stronger. More honest. More emotionally available. They’ve been through the fire and chose to come out holding hands.

Not because the pain disappeared but because they built something worth saving.

Forgiveness Is Also For You

I see this all the time in therapy: Someone resists forgiving because they think it gives their partner a free pass. But what they don’t always see is that the anger they’re holding… it’s mostly hurting them.

Carrying bitterness doesn’t give you power. It weighs you down.

You don’t forgive because someone deserves it. You forgive because you deserve peace.

It’s not about pretending nothing happened. It’s about reclaiming your emotional space so you’re not living in reaction to the past and moving your relationship forward in a positive direction.

Final Thought

If you’re still carrying a hurt that’s shaping how you treat your partner, or how you see yourself in the relationship, you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. Forgiveness is rarely easy,but it is possible. And it can change everything.

In Making Love Last, I walk you through the full Forgiveness Ritual, along with other tools to help you and your partner reconnect. Because love isn’t about avoiding harm. It’s about learning how to come back together after it.

Want to go deeper? Explore more ways to reconnect after conflict in Making Love Last.

Dr Steve May

***** Star Review

"As a practicing psychologist, I found Dr Steve May's book to be both a useful tool for my clients as well as a guide post for myself and my personal relationship. I love how Steve integrates the "Therapist" perspective while also giving the reader insight as to his own personal journal."

Wesley Detwiler