If You Want Long-Term Love, Think Long-Term

I’ve been at my Kadampa Buddhist retreat in northern England now for six days. I’ve seen so many friends from past years and met a lot of new ones. People come here each summer from all over the world, here for the same purpose: to quiet down, go inward, and reconnect with something deeper.

I have to say, this retreat was just what I needed. After a non-stop stretch of writing, traveling, and sightseeing, this pause and calm silence feels like the perfect medicine. I’ve been waking up early, listening to teachings on wisdom and compassion, and letting my mind settle. There’s something about being away from daily distractions that gives me the space to think more clearly and creatively.

And what I keep coming back to, especially after putting Al on a plane home a few days ago, is this:

How do relationships last? Not just survive but stay meaningful, connected, and alive over decades?

Because even after 50+ years with Al, I know this: long-term love isn’t about getting everything right today. It’s about keeping your eyes on the bigger picture.

Why Thinking Short-Term Can Cost You the Relationship

When you’re in the middle of daily life, it’s easy to get stuck in the little stuff.

Who left the light on.Who forgot to text back.Who’s not really listening at dinner.

These moments add up but only if we let them define the relationship.

Couples who last? They aren’t perfect. They just don’t let the short-term irritations steer the ship. They’re thinking long-term. They’re asking not just, “Are we okay right now?” but “What are we building together?”

That mindset changes everything.

Short-Term Reactions vs. Long-Term Vision

When you’re stuck in reaction mode, every little thing can feel like a big deal. You’re more likely to lash out or shut down. You start seeing your partner as the source of the problem, rather than your partner in solving it.

But when you zoom out—when you ask, “What do we want our relationship to feel like in five years?”—you stop sweating the small stuff quite so much. You realize the tone of that last conversation matters far less than the tone of your overall life together.

What Are You Creating Together?

One of the tools I share in Making Love Last is a guided exercise I call “Vision for Our Relationship.”

It’s not complicated. But it is powerful.

Each partner takes time to answer questions like:

• What kind of home life do we want to create?

• How do we want to handle conflict when it shows up?

• What do we want to feel when we think about each other ten years from now?

You don’t have to agree on every detail. But seeing each other’s hopes and values laid out like this? It creates alignment. And alignment creates momentum.

Habits That Keep the Vision Alive

Having a shared vision is important but how you live it day to day is what actually keeps love going.

Couples who make it for the long haul tend to have simple rituals they return to again and again:

• Weekly date nights, even when life is busy

• Short but meaningful check-ins about how each person is doing

• Pausing to celebrate little wins or progress

• Adjusting expectations as life throws its curve-balls

These aren’t dramatic, romantic gestures. They’re maintenance. And maintenance is what keeps the engine running.

A Quiet Truth From My Own Marriage

Being at this retreat has reminded me of something Al and I learned long ago:We don’t “arrive” at a great relationship. We build it bit by bit, year by year.

Even now, we have to keep checking in, keep adjusting, keep choosing each other.

It’s easy to forget that when things are calm. But ironically, that’s when the most important work gets done. You don’t wait for a crisis to get intentional. You start now.

Because a good relationship isn’t just something you have. It’s something you make together.

Final Thought

If you want long-term love, think long-term.

Speak today in a way that supports who you want to be as a couple five years from now.Make decisions that protect the relationship ten years from now. Build habits that sustain connection twenty years from now.

You won’t always get it right. But if the long-term vision stays in focus, you’ll keep moving forward together.

Want some help defining that vision? Making Love Last includes tools, questions, and exercises to help you get started.

👉 Learn more or grab your copy here

Dr. Steve May