Is It Love or Is It Attachment? Reflections From My Buddhist Retreat in Northern England

It’s week one of my Kadampa Buddhist retreat here in northern England. The countryside is green and peaceful, and the silence is slowly soaking in. We’ve been studying the life and teachings of Venerable Atisha, the 11th-century Indian Buddhist master who founded the Kadampa tradition. In particular, his Advice from Atisha’s Heart has been our focus.

Three lines have stuck with me:

“Since the happiness, pleasure, and friends you gather in this life last only for a moment, put them all behind you.”

“Since future lives last for a very long time, gather up riches to provide for the future.”

“You will have to depart leaving everything behind, so do not be attached to anything.”

Not exactly light reading. But it got me thinking especially about the way we talk about love in our relationships. How often do we say “I love you,” when what we’re actually feeling is attachment?

And what’s the difference, anyway?

What Real Love Looks Like

Love is a choice we make again and again. It’s about allowing the other person to be fully themselves even when that’s inconvenient. It’s a feeling rooted in freedom, not fear. It supports growth. It honors truth.

In my work with gay male couples, the healthiest relationships are built on this kind of love. You can see it in the way partners support each other’s personal development, even when it challenges the status quo. There’s room for change, space for truth, and a shared sense of safety.

Love says:

• “I want you to thrive even if that means growing in a new direction.”

• “I respect your autonomy.”

• “I don’t need to control you to feel secure.”

What Attachment Feels Like

Attachment, by contrast, often starts from a place of need. It’s about holding on tightly, because letting go feels terrifying. It may be rooted in early life experiences, especially for gay men who didn’t grow up with models of safe, enduring love.

Attachment says:

• “I need you to be okay.”

• “If you pull away, I panic.”

• “I don’t know who I am without this relationship.”

Attachment isn’t inherently bad. We’re wired for connection, after all. But when attachment becomes the main fuel for a relationship, things can get cloudy. Emotional dependency creeps in. Autonomy shrinks. Growth stalls.

Where This Shows Up in Long-Term Relationships

In long-term gay male relationships, especially those that began in our 20s or 30s, these dynamics can quietly take root.

Sometimes a couple grows together: expanding, shifting, deepening as individuals and as a pair. Other times, the relationship becomes a kind of emotional life raft: we stay because we’re scared of being alone, or because it’s too painful to imagine a life apart.

That’s when love and attachment start to blur.

And this is where the theme of co-dependency, which I explore in Making Love Last, becomes crucial. When one or both partners rely on the relationship to feel whole, emotional responsibility gets outsourced. Instead of “I take care of me and choose you,” it becomes “I need you to regulate me.”

And that imbalance slowly chips away at intimacy.

A Few Self-Reflection Questions

If you’re wondering whether your relationship is more rooted in love or attachment, try asking:

• Do I feel emotionally safe and seen in this relationship?

• Can I express my needs and feelings without fear of losing connection?

• Do I grow as a person within this relationship or shrink myself to keep the peace?

• When I think of being without this relationship, am I afraid of the loss of the person or the comfort and identity it provides?

These aren’t easy questions. But they’re necessary ones.

How to Shift Toward Love

Here are a few small but meaningful practices to help shift from attachment to love:

🧠 Practice Radical Honesty Say what’s true even when it’s awkward. You don’t have to have perfect language. You just have to start.

💬 Use “I” Statements Try: “I’ve been feeling anxious when we don’t talk for a few days,” instead of “You’re emotionally unavailable.”

📏 Set Emotional Boundaries It’s okay to need space. Space isn’t distance, it’s just room to breathe.

🗣️ Build a Shared Language of Emotion Ask your partner: “What helps you feel most loved?” and “What’s one thing you wish I understood better?”

✍️ Reflect Often Ask yourself: What version of me shows up most in this relationship? Do I like that version?

One Final Thought From the Retreat

Atisha’s advice reminds us that everything in life is temporary—our joy, our sorrow, our relationships. That might sound bleak, but to me, it’s actually freeing. It means that love, when it’s rooted in awareness, isn’t about holding on forever. It’s about showing up fully now. Without clinging. Without fear.

And maybe that’s the real goal: not just to stay in love, but to stay awake in love.

Want to go deeper? Making Love Last has more on this in the chapters on emotional dependency, co-dependency, and creating a love that honors both connection and freedom.

📘 Learn more at Making Love Last

-Dr Steve May