It’s Not About Sex: What We’re Really Craving in Our Relationships

“We think we want sex. It’s not always about sex. It’s intimacy we want. To be touched. Looked at. Admired. Smiled at. Laugh with someone. Feel safe. Feel like someone’s really got you. That’s what we crave.”

Let’s talk about something that comes up all the time in couples therapy—especially with gay men in long-term relationships. (Single gay men are also saying the same thing more often in therapy as well).

One partner says, “We’re not having enough sex.”The other replies, “I just don’t feel connected anymore.”Both leave the conversation feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

Here’s the thing: we think we’re arguing about sex, but often, what we’re really aching for is intimacy. That quiet, invisible glue that makes us feel emotionally held. Seen. Desired. Known. Safe.

A Story You Might Recognize

Take Tom and Eric—a fictional couple, but let’s be honest, they could be any one of us. They’ve been together for 12 years. Tom recently blurted out during a session, “I just wish he wanted me the way he used to.” Eric sat in silence for a moment, then said, “I still love you. But I’m exhausted. I miss just lying together and laughing. I don’t even know how to bring it up anymore.”

This wasn’t about a lack of sex drive. It was about the erosion of emotional closeness.

In my book Making Love Last, I talk about this disconnect a lot. One of the key principles I outline is Building Up Your Emotional Bank Account The idea is simple but powerful: when we consistently offer small, positive moments of connection—smiles, laughter, compliments, affection—we make deposits in the relationship. Over time, those deposits create emotional wealth, and with that wealth comes intimacy, trust, and yes, often better sex too.

But without those deposits? We go emotionally bankrupt. And then we start grasping for something to fix it. Often, sex becomes the scapegoat.

What Are You Really Craving?

Sometimes what we miss most is being touched in a non-sexual way. Being kissed on the forehead without asking. Being looked at like we matter. We miss feeling safe in our partner’s arms. We miss belonging.

That’s what real intimacy is—it’s not about grand romantic gestures or wild sexual escapades. It’s about what you feel when someone:

• rubs your back without being asked

• laughs at your bad joke

• looks up from their phone and smiles when you walk in the room

• listens—really listens—to what’s on your heart

Sex can be part of that. But sex without emotional connection? It often leaves us emptier than before.

Building That Connection Again

In Making Love Last, I share tools couples can use to rebuild that emotional closeness. One of my favorites is the Partner Playbook—a simple exercise to help you keep up with how your partner is evolving. What makes them feel loved now? What’s stressing them out this week? What small gesture would mean the world to them today?

These questions sound basic. But couples who ask them regularly often say, “Wow, I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know about him anymore.”

Another tool I recommend is the Relationship Positivity Tracker, available for free on my website. It helps couples shift their focus to moments of connection rather than moments of disconnection. You can download it here: www.drstevemay.com/making-love-last

So, What Do You Really Want?

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yes, that’s me. I thought I wanted more sex, but maybe what I really want is to feel close again,”—you’re not alone. You’re human. And you’re in the right place.

Try this simple question with your partner tonight:

“What kind of touch makes you feel most loved?”

It might lead to more intimacy than any date night or sexy lingerie ever could.

Because deep down, it’s not just about sex.It’s about being known.It’s about being felt.It’s about someone reaching for you… just because they can.

💬 Want to Deepen Your Connection?

Try our free Relationship Positivity Tracker or explore more tools in my book Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples. You can find more blog posts, free downloads, and workshop info at www.drstevemay.com.

with compassion

Dr Steve May