Living True: How Knowing Your Values Makes Love More Real

Why authenticity starts with getting clear on what matters most

Last Thursday afternoon my husband and I just completed filling out a new worksheet I developed for couples called Discovering Our Core Values. It looks simple at first glance, but it’s turning out to be a very revealing tool.

When partners start naming their values — things like honesty, compassion, growth, loyalty, humor, or freedom — you can feel the energy shift in the room. The conversation moves from frustration and finger-pointing to something much deeper. They stop debating who’s right and begin exploring who they really are.

It’s one of those quiet, grounding moments where the couple suddenly sees each other not as opponents, but as two people trying to live in line with what they believe matters most.

What Values Have to Do with Authenticity

“Be authentic” sounds like great advice — until you try to do it. Most people want to live honestly, but that’s hard when you don’t know what you’re aligning with. Without clear values, authenticity becomes vague. You end up performing versions of yourself depending on who you’re with.

Many of us, especially gay men, learned to shape-shift early on. We learned how to blend in, stay safe, avoid judgment. Those skills kept us alive, but they can also make it difficult to know what’s truly ours versus what we picked up to please others.

That’s why the values exercise matters. It helps you locate your true north — the qualities that define how you want to live and love. Once you can name those, decisions start to make more sense. So core values and authenticity are tightly linked. When someone clarifies their values, they’re naming the compass points that define who they are and what matters most. Authenticity, in turn, is about living and relating in a way that’s aligned with those points, and being congruent between the inside and the outside.

Without knowing your values, authenticity becomes guesswork. You might act in ways that please others or meet short-term goals but feel off inside. Once your values are clear, choices and boundaries make more sense. You can spot when you’re compromising something essential and when you’re standing in integrity. So the values exercise gives clients a framework for authenticity. It turns “be yourself” which sounds vague, into something concrete: be the self that honors these specific principles.

Authenticity isn’t about “saying whatever you want.” It’s about acting in a way that reflects your principles. If you say you value honesty but withhold what you really feel, that gap starts to erode connection. If you say you value is compassion but lash out when you’re hurt, that gap creates shame. Real authenticity happens when your outer life begins to match your inner truth, maybe not perfectly but more often than not.

Why It Matters in Relationships

In long-term relationships, authenticity can fade under the weight of comfort and habit. We stop checking in with ourselves. We say “it’s fine” when it’s not. We agree to things out of routine, or fear of rocking the boat.

But here’s the thing: love thrives in truth, not pretense. When two people know and honor their values, they give each other something far more meaningful than harmony, they give each other honesty.

Imagine one partner values stability while the other values adventure. At first, that might sound like a recipe for conflict. But if you can name it, you can work with it. Maybe “stability” means having a predictable home life, while “adventure” means exploring new places together. You can build routines that make space for both.

Couples who know their values stop taking differences so personally. They understand that conflict isn’t always about who’s wrong but it’s about which values are bumping into each other.

That understanding changes the tone of everything. Instead of saying, “You never want to do anything fun,” it becomes, “I think we value different things here so how can we balance your need for calm with my need for spontaneity?” That’s a different kind of conversation. It’s one that builds connection instead of resentment.

How to Start the Conversation

If you haven’t done a values exercise yet, try this together:Each of you writes down the five values that matter most to you,  the ones that, if violated, make life feel off. You might use a worksheet like Discovering Our Core Values to help narrow it down. Then take turns sharing them.

But here’s the important part: don’t just list words. Talk about what each one means to you. “Freedom” might mean alone time to one partner, and shared adventure to another. “Loyalty” might mean sexual exclusivity for one, and emotional honesty for another. Words hold layers, and understanding those layers is where intimacy begins.

You’ll also likely discover overlap too, those places where your values align. Those are your shared anchors. You’ll also see where they differ, and that’s not a bad thing. Relationships aren’t built on sameness. They’re built on respect for difference and the ability to keep returning to the table with curiosity.

When You Live Your Values, You Become Easier to Love

People often think love is about finding someone who accepts them. That’s only half true. The other half is accepting yourself so you can live in a way that matches what you believe.

When you live from your values, you become steadier. People can feel it. You stop chasing approval because you already have your own. You become less reactive and more consistent. You’re not perfect but more importantly you’re real.

And that’s what makes you easier to love. Not because you’re trying harder, but because you’re more you.

The Real Gift of Knowing Your Values

The more authentic you become, the more space you create for your partner to do the same. When one person starts living in alignment, it’s contagious. You begin to trust each other’s words more. Conversations feel cleaner. There’s less pretending, less resentment, and more freedom.

Clarifying values doesn’t fix everything, but it gives love a clear direction. It turns the vague idea of “being yourself” into daily choices that reflect what matters most.

So grab a coffee, a quiet morning, and a notebook. Write out your values. Ask your partner about theirs. And remember being authenticity isn’t something you find. It’s something you practice.

Want to go deeper? This idea is one of many explored in my workbook Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication, and Trust. The section on authenticity and vulnerability includes exercises to help couples align their lives with what truly matters to them.

Buy The Book Here

Dr Steve May