Love Isn’t Dead. It’s Just Checking Its Phone
- Steven May
- Oct 22
- 4 min read
(from the blog series inspired by Making Love Last)*
Yesterday morning, Al refilled my coffee without saying a word. Two seconds. No music swelled, no cinematic lighting, no deep eye contact. Just a small, quiet act of care. He slid the mug closer, then went back to reading. That tiny moment hit me harder than any romantic gesture ever could.
It reminded me how easily we overlook the ordinary, the daily ways love shows up. We say we want connection, passion, and intimacy. But what we actually want is to feel seen. That feeling doesn’t come wrapped in a grand gesture. It comes in the form of a coffee refill, a smile across the kitchen, or the sound of someone remembering how you take your toast.
Most relationships don’t implode because of one big betrayal. They starve from neglect, distraction, and two people who stop looking up long enough to notice each other.
The Real Science of the Small Stuff
Relationship researcher John Gottman calls these tiny gestures bids for connection. They are the small daily ways we ask, “Are you there?” even when we do not say the words. It might be a casual touch on the shoulder, a “listen to this,” or a quiet check-in before bed.
Each bid gives your partner a choice: turn toward, turn away, or turn against. Turning toward might look like answering with warmth or curiosity. Turning away is silence. Turning against is criticism or sarcasm. You can imagine which one drains the relationship fastest.
The couples who last are not the ones who agree on everything. They are the ones who stay alert to these bids and respond, imperfectly but consistently. They keep saying “I see you,” even when tired, annoyed, or busy.
Why We Miss the Moments That Matter
We live in a culture that worships intensity. The first date. The proposal. The vacation photos. But sustaining love has nothing to do with fireworks. It is a slow burn that needs daily oxygen.
The problem is, our attention is always hijacked. We scroll past our partner while searching for connection somewhere else. We post pictures of “us” instead of being with us. We chase novelty while ignoring the simple things right in front of us.
Love doesn’t die quickly. It fades slowly, each time we choose a screen over a glance, a distraction over presence.
Five Tiny Moves That Actually Matter
You do not need a new therapist, a three-day retreat, or a big talk to fix this. You just need to start noticing again.
Look up when he walks in. That moment of eye contact is worth more than any compliment.
Share one inside joke every day. Laughter rebuilds warmth faster than analysis ever will.
Hold a two second hug before leaving the house. It is grounding, and it says, “We are still us.”
Ask one hopeful question each morning. “What are you looking forward to today?” is better than “What time is your meeting?”
End your day with appreciation. Not “thanks for taking out the trash,” but “I liked how you made me laugh tonight.”
These small moves sound easy. That is why most people skip them. But love is not complicated. We just get lazy about it.
The Emotional Bank Account
In My Book Making Love Last, I talk about what i call "Your Relationship Bank Account". Every kind word, gesture, and small deposit of affection builds your emotional savings. Missed bids, harsh tones, or dismissive comments are withdrawals.
If your balance is high, you can handle conflict without fear. If it is low, even small disagreements feel like overdrafts. The fix is not a deep talk. It is attention, repetition, and consistency.
Figure out your partner’s preferred currency. Some people value touch. Others, humor. Some love words, others love acts of service. For Al, it is the quiet stuff like coffee refills and showing up. For me, it is presence. That is our exchange rate.
Playbook Prompt
Open your Relationship Playbook and add a page titled “Our Favorite Micro Moments.”
List five tiny things that make you feel close: morning coffee, a check-in text, a hand on the shoulder. Practice one each day this week. It is not a chore; it is maintenance. Notice how much calmer and softer you both feel when those small deposits start stacking up.
Closing
Love isn’t dead. It is just distracted. It is scrolling, multitasking, and planning dinner. It is busy, but not gone. The spark everyone is searching for is not hiding in a luxury resort or a couple’s workshop. It is in the unremarkable seconds that happen every day, waiting for you to notice.
So next time he refills your coffee, or doesn’t, look up. Say thanks. Smile. That is how love stays alive, not through effort but through attention.
Love doesn’t need a miracle. It just needs you to look up from your phone.
Want to go deeper? Explore these ideas and more in Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust. Available now at
Dr Steve May
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