Reigniting the Flame in the Bedroom

Steven May
Oct 29
6 min read

A 51-year love story, a practical plan, and zero pressure

Last Saturday night I was thinking about the early days of our relationship , I was remembering when we could not keep our hands off each other night and day. That memory is fifty years old. That moment cracked something open. The flame was not gone. It was banked under to-do lists longer than a CVS Receipt. It just needed air.

Let us get real. Desire slows for ordinary reasons. Stress. Mismatched libido. The same script on repeat. IPhones in bed. The quiet drift that comes when life turns into to do lists. You do not fix that with one big weekend away. You fix it the way you keep a plant alive. A little care often. Not a gallon of water once a month. Bodies change with age. Desire does not retire. Adjust the recipe, not the goal.Most couples do not need a reinvention. They need simple ingredients used with attention.

Three everyday ingredients

Curiosity. Long-term partners think they know the map. You do, and you also miss what changed. Curiosity means asking again. “What feels good right now?” “What needs to rest for a while?” Try a simple note called “Bedroom Notes” where each of you names three things you want more of, one thing to pause, and one new idea to test this month. Keep it short and specific. End the talk when you learn one new thing. New is enough. reignite the flame

Tenderness. Desire grows in warm air. Touch a shoulder when you pass in the kitchen. Send a mid-afternoon “thinking of you.” Give a real hello kiss at the door. Think of tenderness as preheating. No heat, no rise. reignite the flame

Play. Adults forget that play is not childish. Try a sensation sampler. Blindfold. Ice. Warm cloth. Soft brush. Lube. Timer. Two minutes each, then switch. Keep what works. Retire what does not. Laughter is allowed. reignite the flame

The three gears of connection

Pick a gear that fits tonight. Shift up or down as you go. Consent and clarity stay in charge. I see couples stick with this because it is doable and kind. It also matches the research and practice plan I use at home. Micro-intimacy and planned curiosity increase initiation within a few weeks. The blueprint is simple, and it works. sex in the bedroom 1

Gear 1: Gentle

For nights when you want ease and closeness without pressure.

Ritual. One candle or one song. Phones in another room. Signal that you are off duty. reignite the flame
Touch. Ten minutes of slow, non-genital touch. Stomach, back, shoulders, hands. Trade after five.
Words. Each asks for one small change. “More pressure.” “Slower pace.” “Longer kiss.” One tweak only.
Play idea. Mini sensation sampler with things in the house. Two minutes each. Switch.
Check in. One minute after. Say one win and one thing to try next time. Then stop. reignite the flame

Try this tonight. A full-body hug until you both exhale. Follow it with a ten-second kiss. It is corny. It works. sex in the bedroom 1

Gear 2: Playful

For nights when you want more spark and light novelty.

Ritual. Shower together. Wash each other’s shoulders. Slow your breathing.
Touch. Tease night for fifteen minutes. Edges only. Stop before the finish to build appetite.
Words. Share one new scene to sample in a very gentle way. Keep it short and playful.
Play idea. Mutual massage with a timer. Three minutes per area. Trade roles. Laughing is fine.
Safety. Name your plan. Testing schedule. PrEP or condoms. What counts as a check in.
Check in. Two minutes. What felt exciting. What to slow down next time. reignite teh flame

Try this this week. A 90-minute “curiosity date.” No intercourse guaranteed. New sensation, new setting, or new conversation. Plan one each and alternate weeks. sex in the bedroom 1

Gear 3: Focused

For nights when you are ready to go deeper with clear agreements.

Ritual. Block the evening. Light food. Water nearby. Music ready.
Touch. Choose a lead and a receiver for twenty minutes, then switch. The receiver guides. The lead follows. Slow and still are allowed.
Words. Pick short cue lines you both use. “Right there.” “Stay.” “More of that.”
Play idea. One novelty only. A new toy. A new room. A new position. One per session helps the body track safety and pleasure.
Boundaries. Name one “no” for tonight and one “maybe” to revisit later. If you update agreements about sex outside the relationship, write the update and review it in three months.
Health. If meds would help, talk to your doctor. ED meds are tools, not verdicts.
Check in. Three minutes. One win. One wish. One plan for next time. reignite the flame

Why this approach works

Many men have responsive desire. It shows up after touch begins. Start the ritual, then let the body catch up. Also remember brakes and gas. Stress and shame are brakes. Novelty, safety, and laughter are gas. Ease the brakes. Tap the gas. reignite the flame

Micro-intimacy is powerful. Gottman’s 20:1 positive ratio (20 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction) links to higher sexual satisfaction at any relationship length. A three-minute daily ritual can shift the whole week. Al and I keep a tiny shared note called “Today I loved…” We read it before brushing teeth. Simple. Effective. sex in the bedroom 1

When desire is out of sync

Every long-term couple meets this. One wants more. One wants less. The fix is not pressure. It is a larger menu of connection. Agree on more touch that is not a pathway to intercourse every time. If you are the higher desire partner, ask for connection, not proof. If you are the lower desire partner, offer a clear yes to two small forms of touch this week. Name them. Put them in “Bedroom Notes.” If medical support would help, ask your doctor. There is no prize for doing it the hard way. reignite the flame

Shame changes the room. Name it fast.

Shame is the heaviest thing in the bedroom. It says you are not enough, or you are too much, or you are doing it wrong. It makes good men go silent and pretend. It floods the body, then shuts everything down. This is a learned alarm from years of messages about sex, masculinity, aging, porn comparisons, and being gay in a world that punished honesty. reignite the flame

A simple protocol.

Pause. “I feel shame. My body is alarmed.” Both of you stop and breathe. Feet on the floor. Eyes on each other.
Say one true thing. “I want you.” “We are safe.” “We can go slower.”
Repair with care. No stinging jokes. No eye rolls. No score keeping. Appreciation first. Wishes second. Limits third.
Do not weaponize shame. Retire labels like selfish or needy from bedroom talk.
Invite help if it repeats. Therapy is coaching for a learned alarm. Support is allowed. You do not bully shame into silence. You replace it with clarity, choice, and tender presence. When shame loses its voice, desire finds its voice. reignite the flame

A one-week reset

Monday. Ten-minute cuddle before bed. Gear 1.
Wednesday. Shower together. Wash shoulders. Gear 2.
Friday. Tease night or one planned novelty. Gear 3 if you both want it.
Sunday morning. Coffee and a five-minute “Bedroom Notes” review. What worked. What did not. What do we want next week. These small sessions build your emotional bank account and move sex from performance to play.

Some Try-it-now assignments

Use these as invitations, not rules.

Three-minute daily ritual. Choose one: a hug until both exhale, a ten-second kiss, or “Today I loved…” spoken out loud.
One curiosity date. Ninety minutes. No intercourse promised. Pick new sensation, setting, or conversation.
One-novelty night. Choose only one new thing. A toy, a room, a position. Keep the rest simple.
Shame shield. Each names one old message that still bites. Answer it out loud with a truer line you both agree on. Example: “I must be always ready” becomes “I need to be honest about where I am.”

Want to go deeper?

Making Love Last has your scripts, micro-rituals, and step-by-step practices that turn good intentions into habit. It will meet you where you are and help you take the next step together.

Buy the book here

Dr Steve May