Rethinking Monogamy Conversations
- Steven May
- Oct 14
- 3 min read
Some conversations can shake a relationship’s foundation or strengthen it. In Rethinking Monogamy Conversations, I share how couples can talk about evolving agreements with honesty and calm rather than fear.
It’s late afternoon in Palm Springs. The weather is slowly turning cooler and we can even have the windows open now, that strange hour when the desert light turns gold and quiet. The air conditioner hums like a meditation bell. I’m sitting at my desk finishing notes from a couples session earlier today. They’ve been together fourteen years. Kind, funny, steady — but underneath, something’s been quietly shifting.
Toward the end of the session, one of them finally said it:“Do we still want to be monogamous?”
The room went still. They both stared at the floor for a few seconds, as if the question itself might detonate.
Drop the Panic
That’s usually the moment couples start breathing too fast. The word monogamy carries so much baggage that even asking about it can sound like a threat. But it doesn’t have to be.
This conversation isn’t about morality. It’s about clarity.
Agreements evolve as relationships evolve. What worked when you were thirty might not fit as smoothly at fifty. Sometimes life experience, libido changes, or emotional needs ask for a second look at what “we” means. Talking about it doesn’t equal betrayal. Avoiding it often causes more harm.
How to Have the Talk Without Blowing Things Up
Here’s how I often help couples navigate this without turning it into a courtroom scene:
Start with values. Before talking sex, talk meaning. What matters most to each of you — loyalty, freedom, honesty, adventure, safety, connection?
Review your history. What experiences or fears shaped your current agreement?
Name what’s missing. Is it sexual curiosity? Intimacy? Validation? Be specific, not global.
Draft boundaries together. If you make any changes, write them down. Decide how you’ll communicate, check in, and adjust as needed.
The goal isn’t a final verdict. It’s a living agreement that reflects who you are now, not who you were at the beginning.
Safety First
If you decide to open the relationship in any way — even slightly — slow down and talk about safety in detail. Physical health matters, of course: testing, protection, honesty about encounters. But emotional safety is just as critical.
Ask:
What would hurt you most in this process?
What kind of reassurance would help you stay connected?
What’s your plan if jealousy or anxiety hits?
No secrets. Secrets are where trust goes to die.
The Playbook Prompt
If you want a way to ground this discussion, create a single page titled “Our Agreement Today.”
Write down what you both understand to be true right now. No grand promises, just clarity for the moment. Then put a note in your calendar to revisit it in six months. That small structure — documenting, revisiting — can calm a lot of fear.
It’s not about deciding once. It’s about staying in dialogue.
The Real Meaning of Monogamy
Monogamy isn’t a moral badge. It’s a choice. A great one, if it’s chosen consciously. But it’s not the only form of love that honors integrity and care. What matters most is the alignment between what you say and what you do.
Some couples stay deeply monogamous for decades and thrive. Others open the door a bit and find that honesty strengthens them. And yes, some discover that trying to open things only exposed cracks they hadn’t faced. All of these outcomes are valid. When you talk about monogamy, you’re really talking about trust, safety, and identity. You’re naming what love means to you at this moment in time.
Closing Reflection
The couple from today’s session didn’t make a decision, at least not yet. But something shifted — they were finally talking to each other instead of around the topic. That’s what intimacy looks like in practice: two people telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Whether you stay monogamous or redefine what commitment means, the courage to have this conversation is what keeps love honest.
Playbook Prompt: Sit down together and write your “Our Agreement Today” page. Read it aloud. If the words make you feel seen and safe, you’re on the right path.
Want to go deeper? My book Making Love Last explores how gay male couples can build connection and trust through honest communication — even in the hard conversations like this one.Some conversations can shake a relationship’s foundation or strengthen it. In Rethinking Monogamy Conversations, I share how couples can talk about evolving agreements with honesty and calm rather than fear.
Dr Steve May
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