Shame Out Of The Bedroom

How gay men turn shame on each other and how to stop it

Its my last day in London and the holiday excitement is beginning to set into this beautiful city. Holiday lights are starting to turn on across town, They say at the holiday time London can be one of the most beautiful cities to visit because of their great lights,holiday displays along with their pop-up Christmas Shops. Its the main reason my husband, Al and I are coming back the first week in December this year. A couple I met today said what many of us know but rarely say. "We love each other." Unfortunately it is easy to fall into the habit of going for the negative rather than speaking the positive. The worst of this is that sometimes we use shame to get what we want.

Shame can be a weapon. It is also a boomerang. You throw it and it curves back.

This bog is not a scold. It is a handbook for spotting shame, disarming it fast, and building a culture that does not need it.

What weaponized shame looks like

It sounds like this. You always need so much. Real men do not need that. At your age you should be over this. If you were more fit you would want me more. Everyone else seems fine with that. Sometimes it is not words. It is an eye roll, a sigh, a silence that says I am above you. Message received. Who you are or what you want is wrong. Finger pointing is a another example of this, always trying to make the other person the problem.

Why we do it

A few honest reasons. We feel scared and powerless, and shame gives a hit of control. We absorbed rules that punish softness and need. We compare ourselves to porn and to younger bodies and aim that fear at the man we love. We never learned to ask for what we want with clarity and kindness. None of this makes you a villain. It makes shame a tempting shortcut.

The cost of the shortcut

Shame works in the moment. It gets compliance. It does not build closeness. It drains trust, flattens desire, and trains both of you to hide. Sex starts to feel like a test you will fail. You protect, you perform, you grit your teeth. Connection goes quiet.

Spot it, stop it, swap it

Use this loop in real time. Spot it. Name the move without heat. That comment was shame. That sigh felt like a put down. Stop it. Pause. Touch a shoulder or take two slow breaths. Try a reset line. I want to connect, not perform. Swap it. Replace the move with a clean request or a boundary. I want more kissing before anything else. Or. I need to stop for tonight and reset tomorrow. Put these on a page in Your Relationship Playbook called Shame Shield and review for one minute before sex for two weeks.

Five common shame plays and a better line

Body shaming. You would be hotter if you lost a little around the middle. Swap to. I love your body. Let us try positions that feel better for us now.

Desire shaming. You want it too much. Or you never want it. Swap to. I love feeling wanted by you. I need more touch during the week. Or. I love our sex when it feels unhurried. I need more time to warm up.

Age shaming. We are not twenty five anymore, so this is just how it is. Swap to. Our bodies change. Desire does not retire. Let us update our touch map and slow the pacing.

Porn shaming. So you need porn because I am not enough. Swap to. I get why you use porn. Let us talk about what inspires and what distracts, then set simple rules that protect us.

Experience shaming. You should already know how to do that. Swap to. I will show you what works for me. Let me guide your hand for a minute.

Case example one. The sigh

Two years together. Friday night. One partner sighs when the other asks to slow down. The sigh lands like a verdict. They stop. Shame wins. The next week they try the loop. Spot it. That sigh felt like a put down. Stop it. Pause and breathe. Swap it. I want to slow the pace and kiss for a minute. They finish with more ease. One small loop. New pattern.

Case example two. The body comment

Morning light. One man jokes about the other’s belly. Both laugh, but the energy drops. That night they repair. I used shame to hide my own worry. I regret it. I imagine that made you feel small. Next time I will ask for what I want and accept a no. The other answers. Thank you. I want touch tonight, slower, with more kisses. Repair is embodied. They cuddle, then play.

Make a house rule about shame

Write this on the first page of Your Relationship Playbook. Shame is not our tool. Our tools are curiosity, kindness, and clear requests. If shame shows up, we pause and reset. Add three difference makers. Appreciation first. One ask at a time. Repair fast if a low blow slips out. I am sorry. That was shame talking. Here is what I actually need.

A script for the heat of the moment

When shame muscles in, use a two minute reset. You. I want you. I am in my head. Can we slow down and kiss for a minute. Partner. Yes. I am here and I want this with you. You. Thank you. I will tell you what feels good as we go.

Shame and gay culture

We swim in waters that prize youth, leanness, and performance. That current is strong. We do not need to pretend it is not. We do need a different current at home. Your relationship can be a place where need is not punished, older bodies are welcome, and learning is normal. If social spaces fuel shame, curate them. Follow men and couples who model kindness and play. That is wisdom, not weakness.

One week challenge

Run three practices. Mirror kindness twice. Each names two things they find attractive in the other, then one thing they appreciate about their own body. A five minute Touch Map Today update on Wednesday. Three green zones, two gentle zones, one move that needs more warm up. A Sunday Shame Shield review for sixty seconds before sex. Spot it, stop it, swap it.

The closing note

As I walk through London and watch the holiday lights click on, I keep thinking how quickly we can flip a switch at home too. One sharp line, one eye roll, one finger pointing gesture, one joke about a belly, and the room goes dark. The good news is that kindness works the same way. One honest repair, one curious question, one clean request, and the light comes back.

If you see yourselves in any of these examples, it does not mean you are broken. It means you are human and you learned some rough survival skills in a pretty unforgiving culture. You can learn new ones together. You can decide that in your bedroom, shame does not get the mic. Desire, curiosity and care do.

-Shame is a shortcut that costs trust. Spot it, stop it, swap it. Small moves. Big safety.

-When sex feels like a test, nobody passes. Try one reset line tonight. I want to connect, not perform.

-House rule. Shame is not our tool. Our tools are curiosity, kindness, and clear requests.

You will slip. The work is to notice faster and repair sooner. When shame loses the mic, love gets louder. So does pleasure.

If you want more language for those moments, more scripts, and more concrete exercises you can do together, that is exactly why I wrote Making Love Last: A Workbook For Gay Male Couples To Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust. Think of the book as a toolkit you can keep on the nightstand. This blog gives you a place to start. The workbook walks you, step by step, through building a relationship where sex feels safer, softer, more honest, and a lot more fun for both of you.

Buy The Book Here

Dr Steve May

www.drstevemay.com