Small Changes, Big Results: How Tiny Habits Build Lasting Love in Gay Male Relationships

In my book Making Love Last, one of the guiding principles I emphasize is this: small changes lead to big results. This isn’t just a therapeutic mantra—it’s a lived truth in long-term relationships, especially among gay male couples navigating decades of evolving needs, intimacy, and connection.

Here’s the honest truth I’ve discovered after 50+ years with my husband and decades of working with couples in therapy: You don’t need a dramatic overhaul to fix your relationship. You just need to consistently show up, make tiny changes, and keep adding to what I call your “relationship bank account.”

💑 Case Study: Marcus & Leo—Rebuilding with Small Steps

Let me introduce you to Marcus and Leo, a couple in their early fifties who came to me after 12 years together. Their relationship wasn’t falling apart, but it was... flat. The spark had dimmed, and most of their daily interactions were logistical at best and mildly sarcastic at worst.

What changed everything for them wasn’t a two-week vacation or couples therapy marathons. It was this: every morning, they began saying one thing they appreciated about each other. Just one. Sometimes it was “thanks for getting the coffee going,” or “I love how you made me laugh last night.” Tiny deposits.

They also committed to sitting together for five distraction-free minutes every evening—no phones, no TV, just five minutes of “how was your day?” time.

Those small things began to shift everything. They touched more. They joked more. They fought less. The resentment began to dissolve, not through confrontation, but through connection.

🏦 Building Wealth in Your Relationship Bank Account

In Making Love Last, I use the metaphor of a relationship bank account:

“Every kind word, thoughtful gesture, or moment of genuine attention is a deposit. Conversely, criticisms, neglect, or dismissiveness are withdrawals. Maintaining a positive balance requires consistent, small investments.”

Think about it. We track our finances, our steps, our calories—but how often do we track the emotional health of our relationship?

This isn’t just poetic language—it’s grounded in real science.

📊 The Gottmans’ 20:1 Ratio

According to research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, couples who stay happily together have one thing in common: they maintain at least a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during normal, everyday conversations.

That means for every one grumpy comment, sarcastic jab, or dismissive shrug, there are twenty moments of kindness, affection, humor, gratitude, or shared joy. Twenty! It might sound like a lot, but if you’re doing the small things consistently—touching your partner’s arm, saying “thank you,” making eye contact—it adds up quickly.

This is why small changes really can lead to big results.

💡 A Personal Note

I’ll admit something here. Even after decades of being a therapist and teaching these principles, I occasionally catch myself being short with my husband over the dumbest things (dishwasher door open, again). But when I pause and say something kind or make a small repair—“I know I snapped, I’m sorry”—it keeps our bank account in the black.

Relationships aren’t built in grand romantic gestures. They’re built in the micro-moments—the quick kisses, the warm glances, the quiet “I see you and I love you” signals we send through daily life.

🧰 Four Simple Practices That Strengthen Your Relationship

1. Say one kind thing a day. Just one. Do it first thing in the morning if you can.

2. Hug hello and goodbye. Even if it’s quick. Even if you’re running late.

3. Spend 5 minutes a day checking in. No distractions. Ask how they’re doing—and really listen.

4. Track your positives. Not to obsess, but to stay aware. Download my free Relationship Positivity Tracker to help you build the habit.

   
   

❤️ A Word to Gay Male Couples

Gay men, we’ve often had to build our relationships without a roadmap, without the societal support straight couples take for granted. That makes the small things even more powerful. In a world that doesn’t always celebrate or validate our love, we can create our own rituals of care, connection, and celebration.

You don’t need a dozen roses. You need eye contact. You need a laugh. You need five quiet minutes over coffee before the day pulls you apart.

And trust me—that’s more than enough.

✅ Try This This Week

Here’s your challenge, should you choose to accept it:

• Start your day with one sentence of appreciation.

• End your day with five minutes of true attention.

• Track your positive interactions for seven days.

• Notice how the energy between you begins to shift.

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If you do that consistently, you’ll be doing more than most couples ever do—and your emotional bank account will thank you.

with warm regards

Dr. Steve May

For more relationship tools and to download the free Relationship Positivity Tracker, visit drstevemay.com.