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The #1 Thing Gay Couples Fight About (That’s Not What You Think)

Most couples who come to therapy say the same thing: “We fight too much.”

Then they give me the laundry list. Money. Sex. Housework. One’s always late. The other never listens. Someone forgot to text. Someone drank too much at the party.

But here’s what I’ve learned over decades of working with gay male couples: what you’re fighting about isn’t really what you’re fighting about.


You’re not really arguing about the dishes. You’re arguing about feeling unseen and unheard.You’re not actually upset that he didn’t call. You’re hurt because it feels like you’re not a priority.You’re not just mad about the mess. You’re afraid that you’re carrying more than your share and starting to feel alone in the relationship.


So what’s the real problem?

It’s how we handle conflict and not what the conflict is about.


Why This Matters for Gay Couples

Let’s be honest: many of us didn’t grow up with great models for healthy conflict. As gay men, we often learned to avoid confrontation, to smooth things over, or to lash out when we felt cornered. We weren’t usually taught how to sit in discomfort and say, “This hurt me,” without blaming or shaming the other person.

And because so many of us carry leftover shame, trauma, or fear from our early lives, conflict in relationships doesn’t just feel frustrating and it feels threatening. Like our very worth or belonging is on the line.

That’s why the same argument shows up again and again in a different topic but same emotional storm.


You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Stuck in a Pattern.


Here’s a common pattern I see:

  • Partner A brings something up: “You said we’d go out Friday and then bailed.”

  • Partner B hears an attack, gets defensive: “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

  • Partner A escalates: “You always do this. I can’t count on you.”

  • Partner B shuts down, withdraws, or snaps back.

  • And now we’re off to the races—again.

Both partners feel unheard. Both feel blamed. Both leave the argument more disconnected than before.

The issue isn’t that they disagreed. It’s that they didn’t know how to stay emotionally safe while working through it. That’s the real problem.


A Better Way to Handle Conflict

In my workbook Making Love Last, one of the very first Essentials I teach is this:

Take 100% responsibility for your 50% of the problem.

That means stepping away from blame and asking yourself, What’s my part in this?Not in a self-punishing way—but in a grown-up, emotionally honest way. It’s the first step in breaking old cycles.

It also means shifting how you start a tough conversation. Research and experience show that the way a conflict starts often determines how it ends. If you begin with blame, accusations, or sarcasm, your partner’s nervous system is already gearing up for a fight.


Try this instead:

  • Start with “I”: “I felt disappointed when our plans changed because I was really looking forward to time with you.”

  • Describe, don’t accuse: “I noticed we’ve been spending less time together lately, and I’m feeling kind of distant.”

  • Ask, don’t assume: “Is something going on for you that’s been hard to talk about?”

That’s not being weak. That’s being wise. You’re lowering the emotional temperature so a real conversation can actually happen.


The Weekly Reset Rule

One of the rules I introduce in Making Love Last is something simple but powerful:Only talk about issues from the past week.

Why? Because dragging every conflict from the past six months into today’s argument is a guaranteed way to make things worse. It becomes overwhelming. Neither of you can win. And most of the time, those old fights weren’t actually resolved they were just buried.

Focusing only on the current week forces you to deal with things in real-time. It creates accountability. And it keeps the emotional weight manageable.

 

What If We Just Can’t Seem to Talk Without Fighting?

If you’re stuck in a loop where every disagreement turns toxic, it’s probably time to push pause and re-learn how to communicate.

This is exactly why I wrote Making Love Last.The workbook walks you through the tough stuff-step by step-with guided prompts, tools for listening, and weekly check-ins to help you stay on track.

It’s not magic. But it works if you work it.

You’ll learn:

  • How to de-escalate arguments before they spiral

  • How to identify your triggers and unmet needs

  • How to create a shared rhythm of repair, appreciation, and connection


Conflict Isn’t the Problem. Disconnection Is.

Every couple argues. Every couple hits rough patches. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict: it’s to get better at working through it together.

And when you do?You’ll stop seeing each other as the enemy.You’ll start fighting for the relationship, not just in it.You’ll build trust, not resentment.You’ll feel closer, not because of the disagreements, but because you know how to come back from them.


Final Thought: It’s Not About the Dishes

Seriously. It’s not about the dishes. It’s not about who forgot to pick up the dry cleaning or who made plans without checking first.

It’s about whether you feel respected.Whether you feel like a team.Whether you know how to say, “This matters to me,” in a way your partner can hear.

If you’re ready to stop fighting and start communicating, pick up a copy of Making Love Last. It’s your guide to navigating conflict in a way that brings you closer—not further apart.



By Dr. Steve May

 
 
 

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