The Cure for Shame Is Being Seen

I’m back at Starbucks in Soho today, enjoying the sunshine and drinking my favorite Starbucks drink a Grande Caramel Macchiato and still daydreaming about this great peanut butter and jelly bagel I had yesterday at a little bagel shop just down the street. Seriously, who knew peanut butter and jelly on a bagel could be so memorable?

Anyway, it’s Wednesday, and Al arrives on Saturday and I’m getting pretty excited. London’s been amazing, but honestly, having him here with me is what I’m really looking forward to. It’s funny how, even after all these years, the simple idea of spending time together still feels so special.

Sitting here, feeling grateful, it’s got me thinking about how important it is to feel really known by someone else that is to feel completely seen and accepted, exactly as you are. But if I’m being totally honest, that’s also one of the scariest parts about being in a relationship, especially for gay men. Because underneath it all, a lot of us are carrying around this old friend (or should I say enemy?) called shame.

You know what I mean by shame, right? It’s that little voice in your head whispering things like:

• “If he really knew me, he wouldn’t stick around.”

• “He only loves the put-together version of me.”

• “Better not show that side of yourself—he might leave.”

If you’ve ever felt that way, believe me, you’re not alone. I’ve felt it, most guys I know have felt it, and certainly plenty of couples I've worked with have too.

It usually starts pretty early for us, this hiding thing. We learn fast that some parts of ourselves are safer kept secret. But then, years later, there we are, still hiding—even from someone we love deeply. We put up these invisible walls and tell ourselves it’s safer that way.

Shame’s tricky because it doesn’t always look obvious. For some people, shame is about feeling worthless or bad. But more often, shame’s quieter. It might show up as always needing things to look perfect, or as constantly putting everyone else’s needs before your own. Or maybe it’s being the guy who always keeps things smooth by avoiding conflict or pretending you’ve got it all together.

The problem is, those little walls you build to protect yourself end up keeping your partner at a distance. It can leave you feeling lonely, even though you’re not technically alone.

But here’s the thing and trust me, this took me a long time to figure out, personally and professionally that shame can’t survive when you finally let someone see the real you. I know that sounds simple, maybe even cliché, but it’s true.

When you actually let down your guard and show your messy side, and your partner still chooses to stay, that’s one of the most healing things you can experience. I’ve seen it again and again with couples, and it’s definitely been true with Al and me.

Now, I get it. Easier said than done. It’s scary to show someone your fears, your insecurities, or just the not-so-put-together parts of yourself. But you don’t have to spill everything all at once. Start small and just tell him something real, something you’d normally keep inside. It might be as simple as saying:

• “Hey, sometimes I worry you won’t love me if you know everything.”

• “Honestly, I don’t always feel as confident as I look.”

• Or even just admitting, “I really need you right now.”

It’s crazy how much closer you feel once you say something like that out loud—and realize the world didn’t end, he didn’t leave, and you’re still loved. Over time, those little moments become big ones, and shame starts to lose its grip.

That’s when relationships really take off. You start feeling safer, freer, more playful—just more real. It’s like suddenly there’s more room to breathe, because you don’t have to hide or pretend anymore.

As I sit here, excited for Saturday and picturing Al arriving, I realize how lucky I am that we’ve spent decades learning this together. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always been worth it. True intimacy isn’t about perfection. It’s about being brave enough to show up exactly as you are, flaws and all.

If any of this hits home for you (and believe me, if it does, you’re totally normal), I talk about all this stuff in more detail in my workbook Making Love Last. It’s basically a guide to help gay couples feel safe enough to drop the act, open up, and build a relationship that feels truly connected—without all the hiding.

Because at the end of the day, we all deserve to feel seen, loved, and valued exactly as we are. And trust me, once you’ve tasted that kind of freedom, there’s just no going back.

👉 Check out more in Making Love Last.

Dr. Steve May