The Post-Trip Reentry: Why Coming Home Can Be Harder Than Leaving

“Reentry is where love gets tested, not because something’s wrong, but because you’ve both changed.”

It’s the end of my first week back from London, and I still feel a little out of sorts. My sleep is patchy, my appetite is off, and my body doesn’t quite know what time it is. But beyond the jet lag, what feels even stranger is this quiet, unsettled rhythm at home. I miss the daily walks around London, the feeling of stumbling on something new every day, the freedom of slipping into a café and losing myself in writing.

Back here in Palm Springs, the days are hotter, quieter, more familiar and yet they feel oddly foreign, too. It’s as if the life I pressed “pause” on while I was away didn’t wait for me. It moved forward in its own way.

And that’s the surprising part: coming home feels more complicated than leaving did.

When I left, I was excited and ready for my Buddhist retreat, ready for writing time, ready for a break in the routine I share with Al. Now I’m back, and the “routine” isn’t what I left behind. He’s been living solo for weeks; I’ve been in a completely different headspace. Who makes the coffee, who takes the first shower and who sets the thermostat. These tiny rituals adjusted themselves in my absence. Sliding back into the old way isn’t automatic.

No one really talks about this: the post-trip reentry.

The Reentry Bump

I see this all the time in my work with couples. When one partner travels for work, goes on retreat, or even spends extended time with family, the reunion is sweet. There’s genuine joy in hugging again, sharing a bed again, hearing each other’s voices in the same room instead of through a phone.

But the next day, or maybe three days later little friction points start to appear. You’ve each adapted to being apart, and now you’re relearning how to adapt to being together.

Sometimes it’s small stuff: one partner gets annoyed that the dishwasher is loaded differently, or that the TV show they usually watch together got binged solo. Other times it runs deeper: a partner may feel left out of the experiences they weren’t part of, or insecure hearing how much fun the other seemed to have away.

If you’ve ever thought, Why am I irritated when I should just feel happy he’s back? You’re not alone. That’s reentry. It’s not a sign the relationship is in trouble; it’s simply the natural bump in the cycle of closeness, distance, and closeness again.

Why It Matters

We tend to underestimate the impact of absence because we think of our lives as “frozen” while the other person is gone. But the truth is, both partners keep growing, shifting, and adjusting. Even short separations can bring changes: new routines, new insights, even new independence.

When you reunite, it’s not about “snapping back” into the old pattern but it's about creating a new shared rhythm. That can feel unsettling at first, but it’s also an opportunity.

How to Make Reentry Smoother

You don’t need a Big Relationship Summit. What helps most is awareness, patience, and a few intentional steps:

• Acknowledge the shift. Say it plainly: “It feels a little different being back together—let’s ease into it.” Naming it out loud makes the transition less mysterious.

• Don’t rush the rhythm. Some routines will fall back into place naturally. Others may evolve into something better. Give them time.

• Create a catch-up ritual. Whether it’s a walk, morning coffee, or a glass of wine, set aside a time to tell each other the story of your time apart. Even if you texted daily, there’s something different about the live storytelling.

• Stay curious. In Making Love Last, I write about Your Relationship Playbook: a tool for staying connected through change. Reentry is a perfect time to update that playbook. Ask questions you wouldn’t normally ask: “What did you learn about yourself while I was gone?” “What did you enjoy about your time alone?” This helps you reconnect with the person your partner has become—not just the version you remember.

• Plan something new together. A shared activity, like cooking a new recipe or trying a local hike, signals that reentry isn’t just about recovering the old rhythm but building the next chapter of it.

A Thought for This Week

If you or your partner have recently been apart, think of one small way to make the return feel warm, unhurried, and welcome. Maybe it’s a note tucked into a suitcase, a favorite meal waiting at home, or simply giving them space to unpack before diving back into chores and routines.

Because coming home isn’t just about crossing the threshold. It’s about rediscovering each other in the shared space you call home. And that takes time, intention, and a little tenderness.

Want to go deeper? My book Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust offers more tools for reconnecting: whether you’ve been apart for a week or a year. [Order your copy here.]