Want a Better Relationship?Start Catching Your Partner Doing Something Right

I’m writing this from my desk in Palm Springs, with suitcases half-packed and a flight to London just a few days away. I’ll be there for two months solo, with Al joining me for just one week in the middle. It’s not our first time apart, but it still feels a little strange. And exciting. And a bit bittersweet.

This morning, as I was deep in my packing chaos, Al brought me coffee. No words. Just the mug, placed beside my laptop, and then he disappeared out to the patio to refill the hummingbird feeders. He does that most mornings. I usually don’t notice.

But today I did. And it stopped me.

Not just because I’ll miss the coffee even though I will, but because I realized how quietly he shows up for me in a dozen small ways. Things I’ve stopped commenting on. Maybe even stopped seeing.

And that got me thinking.

We Stop Noticing What’s Working

It’s one of the most common things I see in therapy with gay male couples:Over time, we begin to notice what’s wrong more than what’s right.

We get distracted by what didn’t happen. What wasn’t said. What still hasn’t changed.Meanwhile, the good stuff: the small kindnesses, the steady gestures, the everyday acts of care get lost in the background noise.

It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we’ve gotten used to each other.

Used to the way he makes the bed.Used to the way he picks up your prescription.Used to the way he texts just to check in.

And when those things become expected, they stop feeling special. Until one day, we look up and wonder why we feel distant.

Familiarity Isn't the Problem But Forgetting Is

There’s a rhythm to long-term love. You settle in. You learn each other. You figure out how to move around each other’s quirks and needs. And with that comfort comes efficiency. But if we’re not careful, efficiency replaces tenderness.

You stop saying thank you.You stop commenting on the little things.You stop reaching.

Not because there’s a crisis. Just because you’re tired. Or distracted. Or you’ve convinced yourself your partner already knows.

But the truth is, no one ever outgrows the need to be seen.

One Small Shift That Changes the Tone

Daniel and Marco came in to see me feeling stuck. No infidelity. No blow-ups. Just a growing distance. They said they didn’t feel appreciated anymore.

I asked them to try a simple challenge:For one week, each of them had to notice something the other did right  and say it.

Not over the top. Just sincere, specific appreciation. Out loud.

They resisted. Said it felt forced. Said it might not change anything.But they tried.

And by the end of the week, Marco told me, “I didn’t realize how much I missed hearing that I matter.”Daniel said, “His face softened when I said thank you. That softness… that was new.”

They weren’t trying to fix their relationship. They were just changing the story they told themselves about each other.

You Can Try This Tonight

This doesn’t have to be a formal practice. Just an experiment.

Before you go to bed tonight, take a moment to reflect:What’s one thing your partner did today that made your life a little easier? A little warmer? A little less lonely?

Then say it. Text it. Whisper it. Write it on a sticky note and leave it on their pillow.

It’s not about changing them. It’s about changing what you notice.

Because what we focus on? That’s what grows.

What’s Really Being Said

When you take a moment to acknowledge a small act, a chore done without being asked, a cup of coffee delivered with care, or a laugh shared after a long day.  You’re not just being polite. You’re saying:

• I still see you.

• I still appreciate you.

• You’re not invisible in this life we’re building together.

That kind of acknowledgment doesn’t just warm the moment. It builds trust. It softens conflict. It keeps the relationship alive.  Not in some grand, romantic way, but in the steady, sustainable way that actually lasts.

Want to Go Deeper?

This idea of noticing what’s working instead of just reacting to what isn’t is one of the 10 Essentials I explore in my workbook, Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust.

If you're in a gay male relationship or hoping to be this book is for you.

👉 Check it out here

Dr Steve May