We All Mess Up! But Do You Know How to Repair After a Fight

It’s Saturday morning here in London, and I'm up bright and early with coffee in hand. I’m getting ready to leave for the Heathrow Airport to meet Al’s plane. I have been to London so many times I know the London Underground backwards and forwards. Al would never know how to navigate it to get to our place here in Clapham. And if his flight is anything like mine, he will arrive an hour early so I need to get there early. I’m excited! After three weeks of exploring this amazing city solo, I’m finally headed to Heathrow to meet him.

As I sit here thinking about our reunion, it occurs to me how even after so many years together, our relationship still isn’t "perfect." We still have disagreements. We still say things we regret or have moments where we shut down instead of opening up. But what we’ve gotten really good at, and what matters far more than perfection, is how quickly we reconnect afterward.

Because here’s something I've learned over decades of being with Al, as well as from years of working with couples professionally: every single couple argues. That’s not the issue. The real question is: what happens after the fight?

Most of us learn how to argue when we’re young, often by watching our parents or siblings. But almost no one teaches us how to truly reconnect afterward. We pick up habits like blaming, avoiding, or pretending everything’s fine, even when it’s clearly not. Unfortunately, none of those strategies help our relationships grow stronger.

Repair Is More Than Just Saying Sorry

When we mess up (and we all do), real repair involves more than quickly saying, “Sorry,” and hoping things blow over. Genuine repair means being willing to step back, acknowledge your role in the conflict, and show your partner you understand why they’re hurting.

True repair involves honesty, vulnerability, and genuine care. It’s about communicating clearly, without defensiveness, that your partner matters more than being right.

Here’s what meaningful repair typically includes:

• Pausing and taking a Break: You cant repair and argument if you are emotionally upset. You need to give yourself and your partner, time to “cool down”

• Owning your own Stuff: Being honest enough to admit, “I know I reacted badly,” or “I realize I wasn’t listening to you well.”

• Validating Their Perspective: Taking the time to truly understand by listening to what your partner was trying to say and acknowledging it clearly.

• Offering a Way Forward: Letting your partner know you genuinely want things to be different. Asking openly, “How can we resolve this?”

Repair isn’t about giving in or feeling weak, it’s about strength and respect. It’s choosing your relationship over pride.

Why Good Repair Matters So Much

Not every argument can (or even should) be neatly resolved. There might always be certain topics you simply don’t see eye-to-eye on. Al and I certainly have our fair share of those! But good repair isn’t always about resolution but it is about reassurance.

Healthy couples make each other feel safe enough to disagree, knowing their connection remains strong regardless. Being able to argue and still trust that your partner will remain emotionally present afterward is one of the greatest strengths a relationship can have.

Repair says clearly, “Yes, we fought, but I’m still here. I still care about you deeply, even when we’re not on the same page.”

How Repair Strengthens Love

When you’re skilled at repairing conflict, it means arguments become shorter and less painful, and re-connection happens faster. Instead of fights causing lasting hurt or distance, they become opportunities to actually understand each other better.

Couples who repair effectively find themselves growing closer and more resilient. Over time, fights become less threatening because both partners know they can quickly find their way back to emotional safety.

It’s Okay to Mess Up

The truth is, no matter how much we love each other, we’re going to make mistakes. Relationships aren’t about avoiding conflict altogether—they’re about managing conflict with love and respect.

Even after more than 50 years together, Al and I still mess up sometimes. We still get annoyed, defensive, or say the wrong thing. But what makes our relationship work is our willingness to step back, own our part, and come together again as quickly as possible.

Final Thought: Choose Connection Over Pride

As I finish my coffee and head out to meet Al, I feel grateful, not just for the good moments, but for how we handle the challenging ones. Knowing we can argue, even strongly, and still come back together has allowed us to build a relationship that feels secure, loving, and resilient.

If you want to strengthen your relationship and become better at repairing conflicts, my workbook, Making Love Last, offers gentle guidance and practical tools designed specifically to help gay couples reconnect after arguments. It’s not about avoiding conflict. What its really about using conflict to build deeper trust and connection.

Because, in the end, real intimacy isn’t built by avoiding disagreements, but by knowing you’ll always find your way back together afterward.

👉 Explore more ways to reconnect after conflict in Making Love Last.

Dr. Steve May

***** 5 Star Review

"I recently finished reading "Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples tom Build Deeper Connection, and Trust," written by my husband, Dr. Steve May. You

might think I'm biased. And of course, in some ways, I am. But after being Steve's partner for over 51 years. I can honestly say this book is special in ways that go far beyond our relationship."

"One of my favorite chapters is about "Your Relationship Playbook," something Steve and I have regularly used during our weekly date nights. These simple yet profound questions have deepened our understanding of each other and kept our conversations fresh and engaging: even after all these years together. There was a memorable moment recently when Steve looked up at me during one of these conversations and humorously admitted, " I really don't know you at all," leading to a good laugh ad a beautiful reminder that we're constantly evolving as individuals and as a couple."

"Highly recommended for any gay couple committed to making love truly last."

Al Wines