When Distance Becomes the Teacher

It’s Thursday morning, August 14th. I’m sitting in the United Club at Heathrow, watching planes taxi in the early morning overcast sky, thinking about the past two months and everything I’ve learned. Except for the week Al was here, I haven’t seen him for two months.

That’s a long stretch for us. In 51 years together, we’ve spent plenty of time apart: business trips, family visits, the occasional solo adventure but never quite like this. This time, the distance was deliberate. I wanted to immerse myself in my Buddhist retreat and spend time writing, meeting people, and reflecting without the usual rhythms of our shared life.

And here’s the thing: distance doesn’t automatically create disconnection. In fact, it can be a teacher if you let it.

The Space Between

When couples are apart, a lot can happen. You might miss each other in a way that renews your appreciation. You might also notice small irritations fade simply because you’re not tripping over each other in the kitchen. And sometimes, you notice the deeper truth: your connection isn’t about constant proximity but it’s about the threads you keep weaving no matter the miles.

In my book Making Love Last, I talk about the idea of building your Emotional Bank Account. Distance is a great time to test how much you’ve been depositing over the years. Those deposits like kindness, appreciation and curiosity are what keep the account healthy when life makes a big withdrawal, like an extended separation.

What I Noticed About Us

Al and I didn’t talk every day. We didn’t text constantly. We each had our own full, rich lives happening in parallel. But when we did connect, whether by phone, video chat, or a quick photo from a walk, it felt intentional. We weren’t just exchanging information; we were sharing ourselves.

And that’s something I’ve seen again and again with couples I work with: it’s not the quantity of communication that matters most but it’s the quality. You can talk all day and still feel alone. Or you can talk once a week and feel deeply connected. The difference is whether you’re actually showing up for the conversation.

The Myth of “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”

We have this cultural idea that if you’re apart for too long, the connection will automatically fade. That’s not true unless you let it be. Connection is a choice, and it’s built on the same things whether you’re across the table or across the ocean:

• Curiosity: Still asking each other questions.

• Vulnerability: Still sharing your real thoughts, not just the highlights.

• Appreciation: Still letting your partner know they matter.

These are what I call relationship muscles, and like any muscle, they get stronger with use, not with proximity.

A Challenge for You

Whether you’re together every night or separated by continents, try this:Over the next week, choose one small but meaningful way to be present in your partner’s day. Maybe it’s a voice memo instead of a text. Maybe it’s mailing them a handwritten note (yes, the postal service still exists). Maybe it’s simply asking, “What’s been on your mind today?” and listening, really listening, to the answer.

If you’re apart, it’ll bridge the miles. If you’re together, it’ll deepen the connection right where you are.

Two months away reminded me that love doesn’t need constant contact to stay alive. It needs attention, presence, and a willingness to keep weaving that thread until you’re back in the same room, making coffee together again.

Want to go deeper? My book Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust has exercises and prompts to help couples stay connected whether they’re across the table or across the world. Order your copy here.

Dr Steve May