When the Spark Fades? What to Do About Sex in Long-Term Gay Relationships

I’ve just arrived in London, sitting in my favorite spot at Café Nero in Soho. It's a perfect afternoon for sipping coffee, people-watching, and reflecting on the conversations I frequently have with couples in my practice. As I watch people stroll by, I find myself thinking about a topic that often comes up which is how intimacy and sexual passion evolve over the long term, especially for gay couples.

A familiar sentiment echoes in my mind: “We used to have sex all the time. Now it feels like we’re just roommates.”

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that phrase in therapy, I'd probably be writing this from a private villa overlooking the Mediterranean rather than a bustling coffee shop. It’s so common that I’d wager almost every long-term couple has felt this at some point. The fiery passion that marked the early days of a relationship can mellow over time, leaving many couples puzzled, worried, and sometimes even ashamed.

First Things First: Let Go of Shame

Before diving into solutions, let’s clear something up immediately: if your sexual connection isn’t what it used to be, you’re not alone. And more importantly, nothing is inherently wrong with you or your relationship. Desire is a complex, evolving part of being human. It ebbs and flows, influenced by numerous factors. Recognizing this natural ebb can help you approach the issue with curiosity rather than judgment.

In fact, feeling shame about decreased sexual activity often worsens the problem. It creates tension, anxiety, and reluctance and makes genuine intimacy even more challenging. So, let’s agree: no shame. This is about growth, not failure.

Why Does the Spark Fade?

The answer is rarely straightforward. After years together, a combination of factors typically plays a role:

• Stress and fatigue: Work pressures, financial worries, family demands, or just day-to-day exhaustion can deplete your energy and interest in sex.

• Aging and medical concerns: Physical changes and health issues naturally affect libido and sexual functioning.

• Lingering resentments and unresolved conflicts: Unaddressed frustrations or disagreements can quietly build barriers between partners.

• Body image and self-esteem: Changing bodies can lead to decreased confidence, impacting your sense of desirability and comfort with intimacy.

• Shifting identities and interests: People evolve, and sexual desires can change in both subtle and significant ways.

Yet underneath these common reasons, there’s often a deeper issue that gets overlooked: emotional intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy is the Foundation

Many couples who experience reduced sexual intimacy discover they’ve unknowingly let emotional intimacy slip away first. Intimacy, after all, isn’t purely physical but deeply emotional as well. Feeling emotionally connected, understood, and supported by your partner creates the foundation for physical closeness.

When emotional intimacy is strong, couples naturally feel drawn to each other physically. But when emotional closeness fades,whether from busy schedules, unresolved disagreements, or simply taking each other for granted your sexual connection tends to follow suit.

Rekindling the Spark Starts Outside the Bedroom

If your sex life feels distant, the solution often begins in your everyday interactions. It’s less about grand gestures or spontaneous passion and more about consistently creating small moments of connection:

• Meaningful conversation: Really listening and sharing openly, even about seemingly mundane things, builds closeness.

• Playful affection: Regular non-sexual touch: like a warm hug, holding hands, or simply a gentle touch on the shoulder can remind you both of your mutual affection.

• Shared laughter and vulnerability: Being playful together and letting yourselves be silly or vulnerable can rekindle deeper bonds.

These little things create a positive atmosphere of trust and connection, laying the groundwork for more satisfying physical intimacy.

Broaden Your Definition of Intimacy

Many couples get stuck because they have a narrow view of what “intimacy” should look like. They think intimacy equals sex, which equals intercourse. But intimacy is much broader. It includes all the small, meaningful ways you connect throughout the day:

• Holding hands during a walk

• Sending an unexpected, playful message

• Spending relaxed, intentional time together, even without sex

• Cooking dinner together while sharing stories and laughter

When you redefine intimacy in this way, pressure decreases, and mutual affection naturally grows. Sex then becomes an expression of a deeper connection rather than something that must be achieved or scheduled.

Talking Openly is Essential (Yes, Even if It’s Awkward)

One of the biggest hurdles couples face when their sex life slows is having an honest, vulnerable conversation about it. Talking about sex can feel awkward and uncomfortable. Yet silence only deepens misunderstandings and creates further emotional distance.

Approach conversations with empathy, curiosity, and openness. Simply acknowledging, “Hey, things feel a bit different lately. How are you feeling about it?” can break the tension. It’s not about assigning blame but it is about understanding each other’s experiences and desires.

Remember, You’re Not Broken

Your relationship isn’t broken just because the sexual spark has changed. In fact, this is a normal stage of relationship evolution. Relationships are living, breathing things and they can shift and change over time. Accepting this reality is powerful because it allows you to approach the situation with compassion rather than anxiety.

The couples I’ve worked with who navigate this successfully are those who see sexual intimacy as something that can be nurtured and reshaped, rather than something that’s been irretrievably lost.

Final Thought: Intimacy Naturally Evolves and That’s Okay

As I sit here sipping my coffee and watching couples stroll by, I’m reminded again how simple acts of affection create deep bonds. Long-term intimacy isn’t less exciting, it’s just different. It’s deeper, richer, and ultimately more rewarding, provided you continue nurturing it with care and intention.

If this resonates and you want to delve deeper, you’ll find more practical guidance, exercises, and thoughtful reflections in my book Making Love Last. It’s all about exploring intimacy in ways that truly enrich your relationship, helping you reclaim and redefine your spark.

👉 Discover more in Making Love Last here.

 Dr Steve May