Why Your Partner’s Annoying Habits Might Be a Gift

I’m writing this from our kitchen table in Palm Springs. It’s early, and the light is just starting to spill across the floor. Al is at the stove, carefully mixing up a new batch of sugar water for the hummingbird feeders — his almost daily morning ritual. I think we have an entire neighborhood of hummingbirds addicted to our sugar water. He moves slowly, focused, like the lives of those tiny birds depend on getting the ratio just right.

It used to drive me a little nuts — the way he hovers over it like he’s crafting fine cuisine. I’d think, It’s just sugar water. But over the years, I’ve come to expect it. Even appreciate it. Maybe not for what he’s doing, exactly, but for what it says about who he is.

The Quirks You Used to Find Cute

He leaves his socks balled up on the floor. He re-arranges the dishwasher after you’ve already loaded it. He talks through every movie you love — but gets annoyed if you interrupt his favorite crime drama.

At first, it was all kind of cute. Maybe even a little endearing. These quirks made him feel like home. But after ten or twenty years together? Less charming. More… grating.

This is one of the most common things I hear in couples therapy:“It didn’t bother me before, but now it drives me crazy.”Or:“Why can’t he just stop doing that one thing?”

But here’s the thing: it’s rarely about the socks or the hummingbird nectar. It’s about something deeper, and usually harder to name.

Long-term relationships are full of habits like that; small, repetitive things our partners do that start to wear on us. What was once charming becomes irritating. And if we’re not careful, those little annoyances can grow larger than they deserve to be.

But here’s the twist I want to offer you:

Those annoying habits? They might actually be your path back to connection.

From Connection to Criticism

In the early days of love, we’re generous. We assume good intentions. We let things go. But over time, many couples shift from noticing what’s right to focusing on what’s wrong. It’s easy to start scanning for flaws and frustrations — especially when those habits are on repeat, day after day.

That shift doesn’t come from bad intentions. It comes from familiarity. Fatigue. Sometimes even unspoken disappointment.

But the more attention we give to what’s irritating, the more power it holds. And slowly, those small complaints can begin to re-shape how we see our partner.

It’s Not Just You

If you’ve found yourself thinking:

• Why does he always do that?

• How many times do I have to say it?

• Is it really that hard to just…?

You’re not alone. These questions are normal. They’re part of the wear and tear that comes with real, lasting love.

But here’s the risk: if those thoughts go unchecked, they can harden into disconnection. We stop laughing. We stop reaching for each other. We start to feel more like housemates than partners.

And that’s when the danger isn’t the habit itself — it’s what we make it mean.

The Story You’re Not Seeing

Let’s say your partner always double-checks the stove before leaving the house. You’ve labeled it obsessive. Over time, it becomes a symbol of everything you find frustrating.

But what if that habit isn’t about control at all? What if it’s about anxiety, or the need to feel safe in a world that rarely is? What if it’s not a flaw but actually a scar?

I’m not saying you have to love every quirk. This isn’t about pretending you're fine when you’re not. But what if, instead of asking Why is he like this?, you asked, What’s really going on here? Or even better, What might I be missing?

Sometimes, those annoying little habits are just part of being human. And sometimes, they’re the very things that could bring us closer — if we’re willing to look again, with curiosity instead of contempt.

Want to Learn How to Make That Shift?

You don’t have to live in a constant loop of eye-rolls and silent frustration. But changing the pattern takes more than just trying to be more patient. It takes learning how to see your partner differently and how to reconnect in small, intentional ways, even when you’re annoyed.

That’s exactly what I cover in my book, Making Love Last: A Workbook for Gay Male Couples to Build Deeper Connection, Communication and Trust. If you’ve been struggling with the same habits, the same stuck dynamics, the same “why-does-he-always” moments, this book offers tools to help you shift the lens — and strengthen the connection beneath the habits.

👉 Click here to check out the book on Amazon

Sometimes the thing that drives you the most crazy is the very thing that reminds you: this is your person. This is the life you’ve built. And maybe, just maybe, that sugar water is part of the story too.

By Dr. Steve May