You Won't Find Love on an App

How sex apps keep us busy and what actually builds love

I am in my office doing last minute work before we jet off to london. It has been interesting that the last client who just left said "what I have heard from so many gay men over the years. “I am on the apps all the time. I get plenty of sex. But I still feel alone.” Then he laughed and said, “Maybe I am just doing Tinder wrong.” My answer, which usually gets me in trouble, is this. You will not find love on an app. Many couples do. But love itself does not live inside your phone. Love is not in the swipe, the grid or the push notification. That is good news and bad news. The bad news is that there is no magical app that will deliver your perfect partner. The good news is that you are a lot less helpless than the algorithm wants you to feel.

What apps are actually good at

 Let us give the apps their due. Sex and dating apps are very good at certain things.

They are great at helping you:

• Find sex quickly.

• Get hits of attention and validation.

• Feel less bored for a little while.

• Avoid awkward in person rejection.

There is nothing inherently wrong with any of that. Especially for gay men who grew up without safe spaces, these apps were a lifeline. For many, they still are. The problem starts when your brain quietly upgrades the promise. You start to believe “If I just keep swiping, sooner or later I will land in a relationship that feels safe, secure and lasting.”

That is not what they are designed to do. The dopamine loop that keeps you scrolling

A little brain science without the jargon. Your brain loves unpredictable rewards. Sometimes you open the app, nothing. Next time, three messages. The time after that, one very hot guy who seems into you. That “maybe this time” feeling is what keeps slot machines in business. It is also what keeps many of us on Grindr, Scruff and Tinder long after we stopped having fun.

The apps are not evil. They are just built to keep you engaged. Dopamine is firing not just when something good happens, but in the anticipation that something might happen. So you sit there in bed or on the couch, thumb moving, telling yourself you are looking for a boyfriend while most of your energy is going into chasing micro hits of “You are wanted right now.” 

Meanwhile, the kind of love you say you want is built somewhere else.

What actually builds love

 In my book Making Love Last I talk a lot about emotional bank accounts, partner playbooks and date nights. None of those concepts are sexy enough to put in a marketing campaign. They are, however, the things that actually create lasting connection.

Real love is built by things like:

• Showing up on Tuesday when you are tired and crabby and still choosing kindness.

• Talking honestly about sex instead of silently comparing your body to everyone on the grid.

• Repairing after a fight, even when your pride would rather stay wounded.

• Creating rituals, small and big, that say “We matter” over and over again.

• Learning your partner’s inner world, fears, fantasies and history, and letting them learn yours.

 You cannot swipe your way into that. You practice your way into it.

Three questions to ask yourself before you open an app

 I am not telling you to delete every app and go live in a cabin. I am suggesting you get very honest about what role these tools play in your life. The next time your thumb moves toward that familiar icon, try pausing for ten seconds and asking:

1. Am I more lonely or more horny right now.

Sometimes you are truly looking for sex. Sometimes you are looking for company, comfort or a sense that you matter. It helps to know which one is in the driver’s seat.

2. What am I hoping will change if I get a hit on the app.

Do you want to feel attractive. Calm your anxiety. Prove to yourself that you are still desired. None of these are crimes. But seeing the real wish under the behavior loosens the grip.

3. If I could not use an app right now, what would I do instead.

Text a friend. Go for a walk. Read something. Sit with the discomfort for five minutes. This question gently reminds you that you do have other options.

You may still decide to open the app. The point is that you are choosing, not just reacting. 

You may meet him there, but love is built somewhere else

I know couples who met on apps and now have beautiful, solid, messy, real relationships. The app was the doorway. That is all. The relationship itself was built in the ordinary hours. On weekends spent doing errands. In quiet talks after hurt feelings. In all the hundreds of small decisions to be honest rather than defensive, curious rather than controlling.

So when I say “You will not find love on an app,” what I really mean is this. You will not find the finished product there. At best, you will find a starting point and a human being with a whole history, a whole nervous system and a whole set of insecurities, just like you.

If you keep that in mind, something shifts. The app becomes one possible meeting place, not the judge and jury of your worth. Your goal is no longer to win at the game. Your goal is to build something that will still be there long after the battery dies.

Want to go deeper

If you want help moving from swiping to actually building something real, my workbook Making Love Last is designed for gay male couples who are ready to do more than chase the next notification. It walks you through emotional bank accounts, your partner playbook, conflict repair and creating rituals that make your relationship feel like home, not just a match.

Buy My Book Here

Dr Steve May

www.drstevemay.com