Give Yourselves Something to Look Forward To
Why anticipation, shared adventures, and small pleasures help love stay alive
There is a particular kind of happiness that arrives before anything has actually happened. You book a weekend away, put tickets on the calendar, or decide to try that little restaurant you keep walking past. For the next few days, the pleasure is already there. You talk about where you might go afterward, what you will wear, whether the food will be any good. The event itself may turn out to be wonderful, ordinary, or a complete disaster. But you have already enjoyed something together: looking forward to it.
I think anticipation is one of the underrated pleasures of a relationship. We talk a great deal about being present, and rightly so. Yet looking ahead can be another way of feeling connected in the present. When two people have something enjoyable on the horizon, they have a little piece of the future that belongs to them both. It gives everyday conversation a spark and reminds them that their life together is still unfolding, not simply repeating yesterday's schedule.
This does not require money, travel, or an elaborate plan. A Friday evening walk in a different neighborhood can do it. So can a Sunday morning breakfast, a concert in the park, a visit to friends, or deciding to cook a meal neither of you has ever attempted. In fact, small plans are often easier to enjoy because they do not come loaded with expectations. Nobody has to make the weekend perfect. The point is to have something pleasant to imagine, prepare for, and eventually share.
After more than fifty years with Al, I am convinced that long relationships need a little future tense. Of course, there is comfort in knowing one another's habits. Familiarity can be lovely. But if every conversation is about the grocery list, appointments, and what needs fixing around the house, we can forget that we are also companions who get to have experiences together. One of the gifts of a long relationship is having someone beside you who knows your history. Another is having someone with whom you can still make new memories.
For gay male couples, there can be a special sweetness in this freedom. Many of us grew up imagining a future without being quite sure whether love with another man would be part of it. Some of us could barely picture an ordinary shared life, much less a vacation, an anniversary, or growing older together. There is something quietly wonderful about being able to make plans openly with the man you love. It is worth noticing that privilege, not with a sense of obligation, but with pleasure.
One thing I encourage couples to do is to keep three kinds of plans alive. Have something small to enjoy this week, something a little different to anticipate in the next month, and something larger to dream about without needing to commit to it yet. The first might be a walk and an ice cream. The second could be a day trip or dinner with friends. The third might be a place you would love to visit someday. You are not creating another to-do list. You are giving yourselves permission to want things together.
It also helps to take turns choosing. One man may love museums while the other would rather spend the afternoon near water. One wants music and people; the other wants quiet and a good view. You do not need identical tastes to enjoy each other's enthusiasm. Sometimes the most generous thing you can say is, “That isn't usually my thing, but I would love to see you enjoy it.” And sometimes the best surprise is discovering that his idea of fun turns out to be yours too.
If you are single, this idea still belongs to you. Do not put anticipation on hold until you meet someone. Make plans with friends. Take yourself somewhere new. Buy a ticket, sign up for a class, or arrange a weekend that gives you something to smile about on Wednesday afternoon. A life with curiosity and pleasure in it is not a consolation prize while you wait for love. It is a good life in its own right, and it is a wonderful life to invite someone into.
So here is a question for tonight, whether you have been together six months or fifty years: What is one thing we would genuinely enjoy looking forward to? Not what we ought to do, not what would impress anybody, and certainly not another task to complete. Something that sounds like us, or perhaps something that would let us discover a new side of us. Put it on the calendar if you can. Then enjoy the conversations that happen before you ever get there. Love is made of memories, yes, but it also needs a few good possibilities ahead.
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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