Twenty Seconds of Kindness
A small daily practice for treating yourself like someone worth caring about
Most of us have a running conversation with ourselves all day long. We comment on how we look, how much we have accomplished, what we should have said, and what we ought to be doing next. Unfortunately, we are not always particularly good company. We encourage friends on difficult days, yet are stingy when the person struggling is us. I have always found that an interesting contradiction. We know what kindness sounds like. We simply do not always remember to direct some of it inward.
This week I came across a study that caught my attention because the practice it examined was so small. Researchers tested a brief self-compassionate touch exercise, lasting twenty seconds or less, and looked at whether strategies for building a habit could help people keep doing it. The idea was not to transform a life in twenty seconds. It was to make a little kindness repeatable. I like that distinction. We often approach well-being as though it requires a renovation, a meditation cushion, and perhaps a personality transplant. Sometimes a modest practice that actually fits our lives is a better place to begin.
Self-compassion is often misunderstood. Some people hear the word and imagine making excuses for themselves or deciding that nothing needs to change. That is not what I mean. You can recognize that you handled something poorly, take responsibility, and still speak to yourself with respect. In fact, a little kindness may make it easier to acknowledge a mistake because you are not spending so much energy defending yourself against your own criticism. There is a difference between saying, “I wish I had handled that better,” and saying, “What is wrong with me?” One leaves room for learning. The other tends to close the door.
For gay men, this can be especially relevant. Many of us spent part of our early lives studying the reactions of other people and deciding how much of ourselves was safe to reveal. We learned to be alert, to anticipate judgment, and sometimes to get our criticism in first before anyone else could deliver it. Those habits may have helped us navigate difficult environments, but they can outlive their usefulness. Even in a loving relationship, or in a life we have worked hard to build, the old internal commentary can keep running. We do not need to be at war with that voice. We can begin by noticing it and offering ourselves another way to respond.
Here is the practice I would suggest. Attach twenty seconds of kindness to something you already do every day, perhaps after brushing your teeth, before your morning coffee, or when you turn off the bedside lamp. Place a hand over your heart, rest a hand on your arm, or simply sit quietly if touch does not feel comfortable. Then say something you can actually believe: “This has been a lot today, and I am doing my best.” Or, “I can be patient with myself while I figure this out.” The words are not magic. The value is in interrupting the familiar rush of judgment long enough to offer yourself a different response.
If you are in a relationship, this is not a substitute for kindness between partners. It may, however, change what you bring into the room. When I am less occupied with proving that I am right, successful, desirable, or sufficiently productive, I have more room to be present with someone else. A partner cannot be expected to provide every ounce of reassurance we need. And when we are a little gentler with ourselves, it can become easier to receive his affection without immediately dismissing it or asking him to fix our mood. Kindness toward ourselves and kindness toward our partner are not competing interests.
If you are single, dating, recovering from a relationship, or simply enjoying your own company, the practice belongs to you just as much. You do not need to wait for a partner to begin creating a more supportive inner life. Notice how you talk to yourself after a disappointing date, an awkward social moment, or a day when you accomplished less than you planned. Would you use those same words with a man you cared about? If not, try changing the tone. You do not have to manufacture confidence or insist that everything is wonderful. You can simply be fair.
I would not promise that twenty seconds will solve anxiety, erase old hurts, or turn every morning into a spiritual awakening. Research on brief well-being practices is encouraging in places, but effects vary, and one exercise will not work equally well for everyone. Try it for a week and pay attention. Does the pause soften your day even slightly? Does it help you recover from an ordinary frustration? If so, keep it. If not, experiment with another small act of self-kindness, perhaps stepping outside, taking a breath, or giving yourself permission to rest. The goal is not to perform self-compassion perfectly. It is to build a life in which kindness has a regular place, including a place for you.
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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