THE PLEASURE OF YOUR OWN COMPANY
October 24, 2026
There is a lovely kind of afternoon that doesn't look impressive from the outside. You have nowhere urgent to be. Nobody needs an answer from you. You wander into a garden, browse a bookstore, or sit in the sunshine longer than you intended. And you notice something surprising: you're enjoying your own company. Not because everything in life is perfect, but because, for this little stretch of time, you feel at home with yourself.
I think we underestimate how important that feeling is. We talk a great deal about finding the right partner, strengthening a relationship, and staying connected to the people we love. But there's another relationship that travels with us everywhere: the one we have with ourselves. It deserves some affection, a little humor, and the occasional good outing. You don't need a boyfriend or husband to give yourself a pleasant afternoon, and having one doesn't make that pleasure any less important.
For some gay men, learning to relax into their own company takes practice. Depending on when and where we grew up, we may have spent years paying close attention to how other people saw us. Was it safe to be ourselves? Were we attractive enough, successful enough, masculine enough? Even after those questions lose much of their power, the habit of evaluating ourselves can linger. We can turn a perfectly good day into another performance review. A peaceful life asks something different of us: the willingness to be a person, not a project.
Psychologists call part of this self-compassion. It isn't giving yourself a free pass or pretending you never make mistakes. It's treating yourself with the same basic kindness you would offer someone you care about. Research has linked self-compassion with greater well-being and healthier ways of responding to difficult emotions. I find the idea wonderfully practical. When you stop using every quiet moment to judge yourself, you create a little more room to enjoy being alive. And that warmth often makes us more available to other people, not less.
Here's a small suggestion: take yourself somewhere simply because you'd like to go. Not to become more productive, meet someone, burn calories, or check off an item on a list. Go to a museum, a farmers market, a neighborhood you've never explored, or a park with beautiful trees. If your idea of heaven is an hour with a novel and absolutely no conversation, that counts too. Choose something that suits the man you are now, not the man you think you ought to be. Pleasure doesn't have to justify itself with a useful outcome.
Then do the part we often forget: actually notice the experience. Feel the air on your face. Listen to the music in the shop. Taste the first bite of something delicious instead of immediately reaching for your phone. This is a simple form of mindfulness, and it has less to do with sitting perfectly still than with being present for a life that's already happening. I sometimes think we spend so much time planning happiness that we walk right past it when it arrives in ordinary clothes.
If you're partnered, enjoying your own company is not a retreat from love. In a healthy relationship, two men can have interests, friendships, and pleasures that don't always overlap. One might love an early hike while the other would rather sleep late and read the paper. Wonderful. You can come back together with a story, a smile, and something new to share. After more than fifty years with Al, I can tell you that closeness doesn't require us to occupy every minute of each other's lives. Sometimes a little breathing room makes togetherness sweeter.
If you're single, this matters just as much. Your life is not a waiting room where the real fun begins when somebody walks through the door. You can build traditions now, discover places you love, invite friends into your world, and learn what brings you genuine delight. None of that closes the door on romance. In fact, knowing how to enjoy your own life can help you approach a future relationship with curiosity rather than the hope that another person will supply all the missing pieces.
So here's my invitation for this week. Give yourself one hour that belongs to you. Make no improvement plan. Take no measurements. Afterwards, ask yourself three simple questions: What did I enjoy? When did I feel most like myself? What would I like to do again? If you have a partner, tell him about it and ask what gives him that same feeling. You may learn something about each other that has nothing to do with schedules or responsibilities.
A lasting love is a beautiful thing. So is a life you genuinely enjoy inhabiting. We don't have to choose between them. Whether you're sharing your days with a man you love, finding your footing after a relationship, or happily making your own way, there is something deeply hopeful about becoming good company for yourself. Start with an afternoon. Let it be enough.
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
Making Love Last available now on Amazon
Making Love Last...Longer coming soon. Visit my website and sign up for newsletter to keep up at date
Comments