Make Room for a Little Foolishness
There are few sounds I enjoy more than two men laughing so hard that neither can finish a sentence. Not the polite chuckle we offer when someone tells a joke we've heard before, but the kind of laughter that takes over the room. One man starts, the other catches it, and for a moment whatever else is happening in their lives can wait. It reminds me that love is not only about being understood, supported, and cared for. Sometimes it is simply about having someone with whom you can be wonderfully ridiculous.
We talk a great deal about the serious work of relationships, and for good reason. Listening matters. Trust matters. Being able to talk about difficult things matters. But if we approach love only as a series of responsibilities to manage, we can overlook one of its greatest pleasures: having fun together. A relationship should not feel like a perpetual staff meeting. There needs to be room for the unexpected joke, the terrible impression, the ridiculous dance move, and the private story that still makes you laugh ten years later.
There is actually some interesting research behind this. A review of studies involving more than 15,000 people found that positive humor, especially humor shared between partners, was associated with greater relationship satisfaction. That doesn't prove that laughing together automatically creates a happy relationship. It does suggest that the way we enjoy humor with each other matters. What seems especially valuable is not being the funniest man in the room, but having a sense that the two of you can find something funny together.
For many gay men, humor has also been a way of building community. We know the pleasures of quick wit, playful exaggeration, and finding people who understand a joke without needing it explained. Inside a relationship, that shared language becomes something even more personal. A look across a crowded room can bring back an entire story. A silly nickname can carry years of affection. These little moments may seem insignificant, but they help create the feeling that this is our world, and we belong in it together.
Of course, there is a difference between laughing with your partner and laughing at him. A joke about a shared mishap can bring two people closer; a joke that leaves one man embarrassed or diminished can do the opposite. Teasing is only affectionate when both people experience it that way. One useful question is simple: Does he seem lighter after we've laughed, or smaller? Good humor makes room for both people. It never requires one man to be the punchline so the other can feel clever.
After more than fifty years with Al, I have learned that a long relationship has room for many different moods. We cannot expect to be cheerful all the time, nor should we try. There are ordinary days, demanding days, and days when we need tenderness more than jokes. But I have come to appreciate how much warmth can live in a shared laugh. It doesn't solve every problem, and it doesn't need to. Sometimes its gift is simply to remind us that there is still pleasure in being together.
If your relationship has become a little too efficient, try making space for play without turning it into another assignment. Put on music you both loved when you were younger and see what happens. Watch a comedy that is just a bit too silly for your usual taste. Send your partner a funny photograph from the day, or bring up a memory that always makes you both smile. You don't have to plan an elaborate date. Often the best moments arrive when one of you is willing to be a little less dignified.
Laughter can also be part of affection and intimacy. Couples sometimes become so concerned about doing everything correctly that they forget they are allowed to be playful, even in the bedroom. A warm smile, a flirtatious remark, or laughing together when something goes awkwardly can make closeness feel more human and less like a performance. The point is never to use humor to avoid a serious conversation. It is to remember that desire and tenderness can coexist with delight.
And if you're single, this matters for you, too. Notice the people around whom you feel free to laugh, and the moments when you can laugh kindly at yourself. Those experiences tell you something about the kind of connection you may want in a future relationship. Being able to enjoy life, including its absurdities, is not a consolation prize while you wait for love. It is part of building a life worth sharing.
So here's my invitation for the week: don't try to be funnier. Just be a little more available to fun. Notice the ridiculous moment instead of rushing past it. Let yourself be surprised by your partner's playful side. And when the laughter comes, stay with it for a while. We all want love that can carry us through the hard days. Let's also make sure we're building a love that knows how to enjoy the good ones.
Research note: Hall, J. A. (2017), “Humor in romantic relationships: A meta-analysis,” Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12183
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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