THE ART OF CHEERING EACH OTHER ON
A Friday reflection on love, possibility, and growing together
One of the nicest things about loving someone is having a front-row seat to his becoming. Not just the big milestones, like a promotion or a new home, but the quieter changes: a hobby he finally makes time for, the confidence to speak up, a friendship he is nurturing, or a new interest that makes his face light up. When we notice those changes, we get to fall in love with someone who is still growing. And after years together, that can be a wonderful surprise.
In my work with gay male couples, I sometimes ask partners what each man is excited about these days. It sounds like an easy question, but the answers can be revealing. We may know exactly how our partner takes his coffee or which television series he wants to watch, yet be less certain about what is capturing his imagination. Knowing a person is not a project we finish. It is a curiosity we keep renewing.
Monday I wrote about what happens when good news comes home and how we respond to it. Today I want to explore something a little different: what it means to encourage the person we love before there is any good news to announce. A strong relationship is not simply a place to celebrate achievements. It can also be a place where hopes are welcomed while they are still fragile, uncertain, and not quite ready for the world.
That kind of encouragement takes a little restraint. When a partner says he is thinking about taking a class, changing careers, learning to dance, or getting involved in a cause, our first instinct may be to offer advice. We ask about the cost, the schedule, or whether he has really thought it through. Those questions may eventually be useful. But if they arrive too soon, they can flatten a moment of possibility. Sometimes the most loving first response is, ‘Tell me what appeals to you about that.’
I have been with my husband, Al, for more than fifty years, and one lesson that has stayed with me is that two people do not stop being individuals because they have built a life together. We bring different interests, energies, and ambitions into a relationship. Some of those will overlap; others will not. We do not have to become identical to remain deeply connected. In fact, having something new to share with each other can make the relationship more interesting.
For gay men, this can be especially meaningful. Many of us spent some part of our lives learning to edit ourselves, to be careful about what we wanted or how openly we expressed it. A loving relationship offers an opportunity to practice something different: being seen while we explore who we are now. That does not mean our partner must endorse every idea or give up his own needs. It means we can meet each other's curiosity with respect instead of immediately judging whether it is practical.
Here is a simple practice to try this week. Set aside fifteen minutes when neither of you is distracted and ask, ‘What is something you would like more of in your life this year?’ Listen without planning your answer. Then ask, ‘What would make it easier for you to begin?’ The support might be as small as protecting an hour on Saturday, asking about progress next week, or simply saying, ‘I can see why that matters to you.’ If you are single, you can ask yourself the same questions and share the answers with a trusted friend.
There is also a healthy boundary here. Encouragement is not management. Your partner's dream does not become your assignment, and you do not have to rescue him from every obstacle. You can be interested without taking charge, supportive without surrendering your own priorities, and honest about practical concerns without making them the opening sentence. That balance allows both people to feel respected, capable, and free to grow.
We often measure the strength of a relationship by how well two people get through difficult times. That matters, of course. But I think we should also notice how generously they make room for each other's possibilities. Love can sound like laughter, affection, and reassurance. Sometimes it sounds like a simple question asked with genuine interest: ‘What would you love to try next?’ There is something deeply hopeful about knowing that the person beside you wants to see who you might become.
Making Love Last: Together
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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