Make Room for More Play
Why affection, laughter, and lightness belong in a strong relationship
Somewhere along the way, adulthood becomes terribly serious. There are bills to pay, work to finish, appointments to keep, parents or friends to worry about, health decisions to make, and a household that apparently refuses to run itself. Couples can become very competent at managing all of it.
And then one day you realize you have become excellent business partners.
That is not the same thing as being lovers.
I have been thinking lately about how easily play disappears from long-term relationships. I do not mean turning your life into a comedy routine or pretending serious problems are not serious. I mean the ordinary lightness that makes two people enjoy being around each other: teasing that feels affectionate, private jokes, spontaneous kisses, laughing at something ridiculous, dancing badly in the kitchen, touching each other when sex is not the goal, or doing something simply because it sounds fun.
New relationship research gives us a good reason to take these small moments seriously. An August 2026 daily-diary study found that positive affect, emotional closeness, and positive communication were each associated with greater relationship satisfaction on the same day. A new September laboratory study also found that gentle touch from a romantic partner improved people's emotional state more than comparable touch from a stranger. The physiological findings were less dramatic, which is important. We do not need to turn affection into medicine to recognize that it matters.
That distinction matters to me. I do not want couples hugging because somebody told them it lowers cortisol by exactly some impressive percentage. I want them touching because affection is one of the ways we say, without words, I like being close to you.
Play works much the same way. It creates small pockets in which the relationship is not about solving anything. Nobody is being evaluated. There is no agenda. You are simply enjoying the man you chose.
For gay male couples, I think this deserves special attention. Many of us spent parts of our earlier lives monitoring ourselves. We learned when to be careful, when not to touch, when not to reveal too much, when to scan the room before relaxing. One of the gifts of an intimate relationship can be having a place where that vigilance softens. A place where affection is ordinary and joy does not require permission.
Of course, couples are different. One couple's idea of fun is a crowded dance floor. Another couple would rather have dental work. Play has to fit the people involved. It might be travel, sex, cooking, hiking, cards, a ridiculous television show, a Saturday morning farmers market, trying a restaurant neither of you can pronounce, or sitting on the patio making each other laugh.
The point is not what you do. The point is whether there is still a part of your relationship that exists simply because the two of you enjoy it.
Here is a question worth asking: When are we most playful together?
Do not ask when you used to have fun. That turns the question into nostalgia. Ask when you are playful now. What conditions make it easier? Who usually starts it? What has crowded it out?
What would be easy to bring back?
Then make a short Joy Menu together. Put five things on it. At least two should cost nothing. At least one should take less than fifteen minutes. At least one should involve affection. And one should be something you have not done in a while.
This is not another relationship assignment to perform perfectly. If your Joy Menu becomes homework, we have missed the point.
A strong relationship needs the ability to deal with disappointment, conflict, shame, illness, money, family, and all the difficult things life eventually brings. But if that is all the relationship becomes, we have confused resilience with endurance.
Love should also contain pleasure.
So sometime this week, do one small thing for no better reason than the two of you might enjoy it. Laugh. Touch. Flirt. Be ridiculous. Stay up too late. Order dessert.
Your relationship does not have to earn the right to have fun.
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
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