The Gift of Receiving Love
Why letting affection, appreciation, and kindness actually reach us matters
Most of us spend a fair amount of time thinking about whether our partner is loving us well enough. Is he affectionate? Does he listen? Does he notice what matters to me? Does he make time for us? Those are fair questions. But there is another question I think deserves more attention: How easy am I making it for love to reach me? I am not suggesting that we lower our standards or become endlessly agreeable. Healthy relationships need boundaries, honesty, and the freedom to say no. I am talking about something much simpler: our ability to receive what is good when it is offered.
Some people are wonderful at giving love and surprisingly awkward at receiving it. A partner says, “You look great,” and we answer, “I need to lose ten pounds.” He thanks us for something and we say, “It was nothing.” He reaches for us on the sofa and we stay focused on the television. He plans something thoughtful and we immediately notice the one detail he got wrong. None of this makes someone a bad partner. Often these are habits we barely notice. Sometimes they come from embarrassment or from families where affection was scarce, teasing replaced tenderness, or accepting praise felt uncomfortably close to showing off.
For gay men, there can be another layer. Many of us learned early to monitor ourselves carefully. We learned to be cautious about wanting too much, needing too much, or showing too much. Even after we have built a safe adult life, some of those old reflexes can remain. Giving affection may feel comfortable because we are in control of it. Receiving affection asks us to soften for a moment and let another person affect us. That can feel surprisingly vulnerable.
But love needs somewhere to land. If your partner compliments you, try simply saying, “Thank you. I like hearing that.” If he reaches for your hand, notice the contact before your mind races on to whatever comes next. If he does something thoughtful, let yourself enjoy it before improving it. If he tells you something he appreciates about you, resist the temptation to argue with the evidence. Receiving love is not passive. It is a relationship skill.
There is a lovely reciprocity to this. When affection is received warmly, people usually feel safer offering more of it. Think about the difference between kissing someone who softens toward you and kissing someone who barely seems to notice. Or telling your partner something you admire about him and watching his face light up rather than hearing him dismiss it. A warm response communicates something important: “That reached me.” And that response becomes a gift in return.
Of course, this does not mean performing enthusiasm you do not feel. Your partner should not need applause for every ordinary gesture, and authenticity still matters. What I am suggesting is that we become more aware of the moments when something genuinely good is happening and allow ourselves to participate in them. Long relationships contain hundreds of small invitations: Come sit next to me. Taste this. Look at that sunset. Listen to this song. Tell me what you think. Let me hold you. Want some coffee? We can treat these moments as background noise, or we can recognize them for what they often are: small bids for shared life.
There is a simple experiment you can try this week. Notice what happens inside you when your partner offers something positive, whether it is affection, praise, humor, help, attention, or a small kindness. Before automatically deflecting it, give yourself two seconds. Receive first. Then respond. You may be surprised by how often love was already showing up in forms too ordinary to announce themselves.
This matters for single men too. If you are hoping to build a healthier relationship in the future, it is worth asking whether closeness feels comfortable when it actually arrives. Some of us become very good at pursuing unavailable men and strangely uneasy around men who are consistent, kind, and emotionally present. Healthy love can initially feel less dramatic than longing. Learning to receive steadiness, appreciation, and ordinary affection may be part of preparing for the relationship you say you want.
After more than fifty years with Al, I have come to believe that lasting love is built not only by what two people give each other, but also by what they allow themselves to receive. A relationship cannot thrive on generosity from one side and constant deflection from the other. So the next time your partner does something kind, resist the reflex to minimize it. Let it matter, and let him see that it mattered. There is something deeply intimate about being able to say, without embarrassment or qualification, “That felt good. Thank you.” Sometimes keeping love alive is not about trying harder. Sometimes it is about opening the door when love is already knocking.
Be Well
Dr. Steve May, PhD
Dr. Steve May, PhD | Psychologist, Author, Speaker, and Relationship Educator
Making Love Last available now on Amazon
Making Love Last...Longer coming soon. Visit my website and sign up for newsletter to keep up at date
Comments