Growing in Different Directions? Here’s How to Stay Connected Anyway
- Steven May
- 11 minutes ago
- 3 min read
It’s a clear, sunny morning in London after three days of off-and-on rain. Yesterday, I rode on the Underground with Al to the airport and watched him head back home to Palm Springs. Now I’ve got a few quiet days before I leave for a Buddhist retreat in Northern England.
With the city moving quickly around me, I’ve found myself slowing down—thinking, reflecting. And one question keeps coming back to me. Not from the books, or the therapy room, or the research—but from real life with Al and from the couples I’ve worked with for decades:
What do you do when you and your partner start growing—but not in the same direction?
Change Is Normal But It Can Feel Risky
You fall in love with someone as they are.But no one stays the same.
Maybe one of you is diving deeper into therapy or spirituality, while the other is focused on work or health goals. Maybe one of you is pulling inward and the other is itching for a new adventure. Or maybe the two of you are just becoming… more yourselves.
It’s easy to misread that. You start wondering, Is this a gap between us? Or just the space we each need to keep becoming who we are?
Here’s what I’ve seen:When couples fight that difference, they often grow apart. But when they respect it and support each other through it they often grow stronger.
Stop Trying to “Match” and Start Learning How to Witness
I’ve sat with so many couples where one partner says, “He’s changing, and I don’t know how to relate to him anymore.”
The instinct is to either pull away or try to get the other person to change back.
Instead, try this:
Let your partner be different.
Get curious about what they’re discovering or working on.
Share your own process without expecting it to “line up.”
The goal isn’t to stay identical. It’s to stay in relationship while you both evolve.
A Small Practice: The Growth Check-In
Once a month, find 15–20 minutes to check in but not about the relationship, but about who you’re each becoming.
Ask each other:
What’s something that’s been inspiring you lately?
What are you letting go of?
Where are you growing that feels exciting or scary?
This isn’t about agreement. It’s about understanding. You don’t have to “get it” to care about it.
The Danger of Keeping Score
Sometimes when couples start to grow differently, resentment creeps in.
“He has all this time to explore meditation while I’m stuck keeping the house running.”“I’m doing the work on myself so why isn’t he?”
When this happens, take a breath and come back to this: Growth isn’t a competition.Your timelines and interests don’t have to match to be valid.
Instead of keeping score, ask:How can we create room for each other’s growth even when it looks different?
How Al and I Navigate It
I’ll be honest: this Buddhist retreat is more my thing than Al’s. Always has been. Al would much rather be home playing tennis and studying his Spanish And over the years, there’ve been plenty of times where one of us was off learning something new while the other stayed put.
But we’ve worked hard to build a culture in our relationship where that’s not a problem. We check in, we cheer each other on, we ask questions, not always with deep interest, but with love.
And maybe most importantly: we don’t assume that growing differently means growing apart.
In fact, some of our best conversations have come because we bring different things back to each other.
Final Thought
Relationships aren’t supposed to keep you the same.They’re supposed to give you the safety to grow and the support to return to each other again and again.
You don’t have to be on the same path to walk side by side.
If you’re trying to figure out how to stay connected while growing in your own ways, Making Love Last has tools to help you hold the relationship steady even as you evolve.
Dr Steve May
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