Your Relationship Playbook, Date Nights, and Why You Should Never Stop Getting to Know Each Other

It’s our last weekend together in London, and Al and I have are getting close to leaving “Tourist Mode”.

We have ridden the Underground so many times we can now both recite the “Mind the Gap” announcement in our sleep. But this morning might’ve been my favorite: we set the alarm for 6:00 a.m. (yes, on vacation) just to be at the Sky Garden when it opened. By 8:00 a.m., we were sipping coffee and sharing a croissant 35 stories up with a 360 panoramic view of the city and a quiet moment surrounded by greenery.

It was the kind of morning that reminds me how much I still enjoy this man. How much fun we still have. How easy it is to feel close when we make space for it.

It also reminded me of something I say often in my work with couples:You don’t fall out of love all at once.You drift. Slowly. Silently. Without realizing it’s happening.

The Slow Drift That Pulls Couples Apart

When couples say, “We’ve grown apart,” it’s usually not about a dramatic betrayal or a sudden crisis.

It’s smaller than that:

• You stop asking new questions.

• You start assuming you already know how he feels.

• You default to talking about bills, groceries, or who’s picking up the dry cleaning.

• And before you know it, you realize: “I don’t really know who he is anymore.”

That feeling? It’s not failure.It’s neglect. And you can repair it.

Your Relationship Playbook Isn’t Just for Newlyweds

In Making Love Last, I talk about the importance of building—and updating—what I call Your Relationship Playbook. It’s your running record (mental or written) of what matters most to your partner:

• What’s stressing him out right now

• What makes him feel loved

• What brings him joy

• What he’s afraid of

• What he dreams about next

But here's the catch: people change. The answers do too.

The way your partner felt loved at 35 might not be the same at 50. The things that once made him feel safe might not anymore. His interests, his boundaries, his needs—they evolve. And so should your understanding of him.

That’s why we don’t “build” the Playbook once.We revisit it. Over and over again.

A Few Good Questions Can Rebuild Intimacy

If it’s been a while since you checked in, start here. You don’t need hours—just 15–20 minutes over dinner or a walk. Ask something new. Be curious again.

A few of my favorite Playbook questions:

• What’s your biggest current stressor?

• What’s something you’d love to try this year?

• What are three small things that make you feel loved?

• If you could design our perfect weekend, what would it include?

When you ask questions like this—and really listen—you reconnect with the person your partner is today.

Why Date Night Still Matters (Yes, Even After 20 Years)

I can’t tell you how many couples have said to me, “We don’t really need date night anymore.”

My response? “You may not need it—until you really, really do.”

Intentional time together isn’t extra. It’s relationship maintenance. And just like brushing your teeth, it works best when done regularly.

Weekly or biweekly date nights help:

• Reduce conflict

• Boost physical and emotional intimacy

• Increase appreciation and laughter

• Create fresh memories (instead of replaying old arguments)

It doesn’t need to be fancy. A walk around the block, a glass of wine on the patio, or a slice of cake at midnight can all count—if you’re both present.

Our Playbook Wake-Up Call

Not long ago, Al and I decided to revisit our Relationship Playbook. We used the same questions and card prompts I include in Making Love Last. Somewhere between “What scares you the most right now?” and “What would your dream vacation look like?”, I found myself surprised.

I looked at him and said, “I think I owe you an apology. I don’t really know you at all.”

We both laughed. But there was truth in it.

Even after more than 50 years, we still need to ask. Still need to listen. Still need to make space for each other to keep unfolding.

One Final Thought

You don’t grow apart overnight.But you can grow back together—one honest question, one shared moment, one ordinary date night at a time.

Your Relationship Playbook is never finished. Keep turning the page.

Want to go deeper?

If you’re ready to refresh your Playbook and rebuild intimacy with your partner, Making Love Last offers practical tools, prompts, and stories to guide you.

👉 Order your copy here

Dr. Steve May